Happy Place

Its been a while sense I wrote on this blog. I am laid off work and in what I call a major life "in the mean time" I have not clue what that means yet have been saying it for years.

One word I do not say is but...as in "I like you but....." Yet..:) I use Yet now and my Mentor says its a light form of but...I think I may rid myself of "yet" soon as well.

Back to the "mean time" I am laid off work and running out of money fast and single and I am happy. I wake up smiling and wake up happy and just trust that I am just where I am to be right at this time and am enjoying the moment. How many women my age get to rent a room somewhere and find them selves? No one I know.

I spend all my time job hunting and yesterday I stepped outside the box. I woke up happy and then started thinking "What if's" for about five minutes! "What if i do not get a job and can not pay rent" etc. I stopped what I was doing and headed off to the mall / womens center. Hey.....Its NOT my fault that the womens center where they have job leads and interview clothing for displaced women is at the MALL :) After I visited the womens center I tried on pants and to my delight I am now a size 8! I kid you not! I tried on 3 different pairs of pants to make sure I was a true 8 and I am. Now, what does that have to do with anything? Alot. I stepped outside the job hunt box a bit to bring joy to my life by trying on pants! Then I went out in the mall and listened to the beautiful Christmas music playing and made a mental note of the stores so I can go online and apply today, See I was job hunting while I was finding my joy yesterday. Finding joy each day is a must as I do not use bad behaviors like eating to find joy.

I then went and stood in a small line and visited Santa. I did! I sat on his lap and got my picture taken with a few friends two years ago and I actually lived in his house. He and his beautiful wife own a home and rent out rooms to women that need help and are displaced. I lived there a few months and am grateful to him and he is Santa each year in the mall. He loves life and loves to give and he is a true real Santa. So i went to see him to tell him and how him how great I am doing and he just smiled a huge smile. He loves when his girls do well.....He is cute and calls his wife his "Blonde Bomb Shell" ...priceless.

OK after I went to see Santa i left the mall and went down town to a art gallery. My friend Allanah and I became friends with her after we trespassed in her back yard. I had a chat with her and she told me about a natural foods store that is hiring and said she will be on he look out for me. My mentor told me to network and he is so correct! setting on a computer just sending out resumes will not totally cut it in this economy and for the jobs I am applying for and my hearts desire is to work at a natural foods store and that will take networking of some kind.

Where am I going with all this? I had the choice to set in my dark room and apply online for jobs all day long or get my butt up and go out and do something different and to find JOY in all you do. That mall / art gallery trip changed my whole day and outlook on life!

We all have different things that transform our moods or attitudes. Mine is being around positive people.......What works for one person does not work for another. I have friends who get happy and transformed watching tv and that does not work for me. Find your own happy place and force yourself to get off your butt and go there and stay there until you are singing zippidy doo dah!

Green Eyed Christmas Monster Cheryl

OK I'm going to get real here, not that I do not get real when I write its just that I choose to write only when im positive and inspired which is most days! I also can not help all women if I am not honest about my day where I am just in a wonky mood.

The last few days I have been in a place of great fantasy. I am in "Green Eyed Monster Mode" :) I made that up! And it fits me pretty well at the moment.

I am in the mood to make a face / stick out my tongue or just just roll my eyes at all the women in my life or even those I dont know who are home / key word is "home" decoration their homes / shopping for Christmas/ watching their husbands smile as he is hanging up the Christmas lights out in the snow! Their grown daughters are calling them off the hook "Mom, Lets go to the mall today to finish up shopping and then we can go see a Christmas play" ......."No, girls lets back cookies and your dad will want to help and I will call your brother to bring eggnog" :) Silly....

Get my point? .............and so silly and I can swear to you that I did not make up the above fantasies in my head. How silly. I guess this season with me being back to me is the hardest one of all. Yes, when i was in poor Cheryl was abandoned mode and poor Cheryl is just not sure where her life was going mode. All was just ok. I was just in limbo and just surviving and to not have anything was ok. Now, I am back to Cheryl who had a home and family and a couch and chairs and even a oven mode and its not acceptable for me to be where I am at! Yet, I have to remember that like a person that has survived a bad illness or accident you have to get up and start moving and before you know it you will be back to full speed. it just takes time.......

Some of my fantasies can be real but most likely Dad is yelling from the roof "*&^%$#*" "I JUST SMASHED MY THUMB, I TOLD YOU XMAS LIGHTS ARE A BAD IDEA" "Mom.....I hate shopping are u nuts the mall is packed" "Mom, i hate eggnog and im off to a Christmas party call you tomorrow" :) Serious....Both are exaggerations but real life is neither....or a bit of both. We as women have got to stop fantasizing about what we want our life to look like when God has us right where we are meant to be at this very moment. When I talk to some of my married friends they say to me "Enjoy this time for just you" and I have got to not get in Green Eyed Monster mode.

Carolyn said yesterday that my future is like a cake :) Carolyn and Michael use analogies on me as I respond to them and love them. They crack me up with what they think of.....Im like a House and a car and now my whole life is a cake! She said that its in the oven baking and if i take it out now it will not be done and will be raw and awful and will fall in the middle! And worse and what I have been trying to do is to TURN UP THE HEAT to make that cake cook FASTER! and what will happen. It will burn. Now every time I turn it up to 500 degrees Carolyn and Michael turn it back down to 350. Thank Goodness for them in my life. The other thing is that I do not want a fake desperate cake from the store. It would be a easy cake to go get. Its artificial and fake and not the real deal and not what I have been waiting for! So........What am I do Do?????

I am to Wait on God! wow....what a concept. I have never waited for "cake" before. :) I am excited to see what my life is going to be like?

For now I just keep being Cheryl and as Michael says "HAVE FUN"....and he always types it in caps. He does not say much on instant message." Have fun, be strong and brave...keep going...your doing excellent" Carolyn says "You are right where you are meant to be and your future will be great" I LOVE YOU TWO!

And Fun is what I am planning to do for the whole of 2011......

And If God Willing....

Eat Cake....yum!

Sophie Behrs

Its been awhile sense I have been to my journal. I write in a paper notebook from time to time yet I love this blog. My desire is for women in their first years of being along for the first time to stumble onto this and get blessed by it.

Today I was reading about a lady "Sophie Behrs" In 1862 she married what they termed the catch of the season "Count Leo Tolstoy" and they had 13 children! She was a wife and mom and they both had a passion for writing. She decided that their marriage was going to be a creative partnership of equals! She was way past her time in knowing what would work. She was her husbands assistant, editor, copywriter and tactful critic. Wow.....Again im reminded this was 1862.

Once the children arrived she could not keep up with it all and back in the 1800's she could not get "day care" and it was expected of her to take care of the children. Her husband right at this time had what he thought was a "good idea" He thought they could write in journals and keep them around for each other to read! Bad Idea and I know this because I read some of her journal this morning and it was a pathetic warship of her husband. NOT love.....not respect.

In my readings today were some of her journal entries. They were pathetic and sad and the only place she thought she could go. In victim mode. The journal praised her husband over and over and it was nauseating to read even for me who has been in such a situation with a past marriage! She wrote on page after page of how miserable she was and how lucky her husband was to have a writing profession and on and on. He took on another assistant at this time and it about destroyed her self esteem.

Ok.......that was 1800!!! But girlies how many of us are just like Sophie in 2010? Alot....and there is no excuse as we have books and ministers and great women leaders who are our sisters there to help. We have Oprah :) Yes, if you are married its a must to be a supportive devoted wife yet there is NO excuse to loose yourself completely in a man even if you call him husband! You will loose all respect for yourself and so will he. This is not being a submissive wife or any other kind of good wife. Its being freaky! How do you balance it? I was Sophie to a T! and it was 2005!

How do you do it? For one you loose yourself slowly. Every time you compromise! "its ok honey I will quit my dance class as you want to watch american idle with me each day" "Its ok, you took me out to eat and i will eat it all so you wont get mad" "Its ok...I wont read my books anymore as you hate me to read" "its ok I wont go to lunch with my best friend as its not fair that you dont have a friend to do things with" "Honey, ok i understand that all men watch porn, i will try to understand" .....:) Get my point? Yes, some of the above can be worked out and some of them can not. Its like the frog in a pot of cold water that slowly starts to boil. Before he knows it he is boiled and gone! Without feeling a thing.

I do not pretend to know the answer of how to be a good wife or partner without completely loosing yourself as I am single now. I do know that I love being Cheryl and I wont loose her again and will only be with a man who loves her just as she is. I know there is balance and you do change a bit with a relationship. You take on new ideas that you learn from your partner and he takes things from you. The key here must be balance! Im going to master this one! I promise you all!

My Year Long Mountain Climb!

In a month my journey of finding Cheryl will have been a year long and I had this dream last night that I can barely remember. My mentor was in it and telling me something and im like "Its hard to do" as in real life and he was like "Don't give me that" as in real life and then I woke up.

It was early in the a.m. and I got to thinking about my life and how I was in deep waters for over a year and i kept going under and sinking in the dark deep waters of life. Not facing change. My mentor kept putting good people in my life and they would jump in the dark cold churning water and throw me a different things to save my life and I would grab hold and then just give up and let go.They tried to grab me but I struggled and they would start to go under and they had to give up as well. Then.....

My mentor must have said "Ok, this is it im going in" and he did.....He jumped in and grabbed me and drug me to the shore all while im "let go of me" LOL....."I want to make the water work for me" and worse "I can learn to swim in these deadly waters" :) and he just said on shore "Dry off, and follow me up the mountain" I did.....moaning and complaining and crying....He said "keep going" I did.....I would from time to time set down on a rock and cross my arms and say "Im not moving" He would look back and say "keep going" i got up and run after him up the mountain.

Im over half way up and can see the top! Its beautiful.......Last night I had a "This is hard Michael" conversation!! He as usual said "Dont give me that, keep moving"......

I am blessed. I am still climbing up......not as afraid and trust him that my life will be good and that all these wonderful people who jumped in to help are there and rooting me on! Love you all......

Strong with the force you are. Soon a Jedi will you be "UKAshley)

Yesterday I woke up and my life changed. I am not kidding! I woke up different and it was great.

What I did was wake up after a long night of tossing and turning about what my sister said. See Nov 28, 2010 post. What she said was that women cry and get moody etc. Big deal! Its what we do with it. For me yesterday was a day of waking up and being me and I can tell you there were no tears.

I got ready to go to church yet had not a clue which church i was going to. Catholic? Protestant? ....Everyone will ask me where I am now going to church? They always do! My good friend from ten years Ashley (He is a man from the UK) knows me very well and knows I trip on this sort of thing (still working on not giving a darn what people think) and he said that when anyone asks me about church I am to say "I have made a decision and decided to become a Jedi Knight" :) Brilliant. He always puts things in the correct perspective!

I got in the car and decided after months to just go to Saint Paul Catholic church and went to the 10:30 and it was the first day of Lent and I was blessed. Does that mean I'm Catholic? Ditched the whole Protestant thing? Noooo. Does it mean I am spiritually confused. NO WAY...I am more grounded then ever and have a faith like I have never had in my whole life.

What it means is that I made a decision and felt great about it. What it means is yea...maybe i am meant for Jedi Knighthood! or something else that is different or just to be me. Maybe I am not going to classify myself right now in any one religion or church and that is ok. I come from a wide variety of different religions and backgrounds and maybe just maybe God will use me and find a place for me. For now...Let the Force be with me :) silly I know!

After Church I came home and arranged my furnature all different and cleaned my little space I call home and then decided to go to a step meeting......or not. I got in the car and headed that way and thought. "NO.....you dont want to set in a meeting with a circle of chairs all facing each other and on and on" No.....that was not what i was to do so I went to whole foods and got my coconut sugar (low glacemic goodness) and wondered around the store looking at the cosmetics and candles and sampled 2 different cheeses. One was simply orgasmic. :).......did not buy it because it was like 79 dollars a pound or something silly.

Then I went home...and there you go. Today I smile because I had a great day.....A day of Cheryl being just Cheryl and it felt good

The Archaeological Dig

I finished my book "Simple Abundance" By Sarah Ban Breathnach. I was so blessed by this journey. I started the book last year in February and I just finished it. The book taught me so much about becoming my authentic self. What does Cheryl like to do, wear, warship, say, and love....I have had a time by myself sense last November to discover this with few distractions aside from work. Now when I go to buy clothes I say "Who is Cheryl, the authentic Cheryl"? I do not settle for less. I search goodwill to find it if i have to but i find it now! I buy the kind of make up that i LOVE not settle for less. I save for it. I eat only great food, whole organic real food. I hang out with friends who are happy and positive. And I just bought my perfume from years ago that makes me smell just like ME. This book along with my mentor have transformed me into Cheryl.....Just the Cheryl that was hidden a few years.

Yes, I make it sound so fun and easy and if I am to help others I can tell you its NOT and was NOT always easy and I did some of it laughing and happy and had so much fun and some of the transforming I did crying and angry and kicking and screaming :) and saying "I'm, NOT doing that" Yet, I did it. and there is more to do! Just when I think I have arrived my mentor says "Why don't you try this" and I'm like "What"???? I don't want more uncomfy changes...and ...I do it. Just get off my butt and do it and then its good.

I have done things that I have always wanted to do like visit a potter and learn how pottery is made, I went on a hay ride and I went to a western town and saw a cowboy shoot out! I went to a play and went bowling! I went up into the mountains on a train to see the fall leaves turning brilliant reds and yellows and oranges. I'm spoiled.......beyond belief. There is alot I want to do in in my future! I want to travel and to take belly dance and to take a pottery class or a class for sewing or knitting and most of all to Love Again :) I'm excited....

Most of all: I am grateful.

I am now starting Sarah's other book called "Something More, Excavating Your Authentic Self" Its called excavating in the title as the book is about a past archaeological dig. A dig of your past yet its not a negative freaky dig that leaves you discouraged. If you have done the first book then you are now ready for this one. Just a gentle look at your past and why you react like you do today. I suggest doing the Simple Abundance book first and then the Something More book as it goes together like that.

From the book:

A Warriors heart? I wish I'd known that Id been born to take on the world; I would have have NOT run from for so long but run to it with open arms.

Life's highway has as many on ramps as it does off ramps! (I love this one)

Joy is the absence of fear, joy is your souls knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship or buy the house its because you weren't meant to and Connie's (see cast members on front page) husband told me recently "God closes one door Chery and will open another one" How cool is that.

About reading books: "As a passionant women, I like my men and books to knock my sox off, Its got to be love at first sight" For me its about everything ....clothing, food, friends, warship ....and books and men!

There are two lives we live! The life we learn with and the life we live after that! Its up to us how long we stay in the first learning phase.

We must be willing to rid of the life we planned to live the life that was meant for us.

And im only on like chapter 6......

Enjoy your own personal dig today and discover something fantastic about yourself!

GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND DO IT :)

I was reading in "Something More" today and it was all about decisions and I began to think about how our decisions impact our lives each day. There are good and right decisions and wrong decisions and MOST decisions we make falls into one category or the other. Yes, some decisions are easy to recognize! Should I eat ice-cream or eat a healthy dinner? Easy....Some are not so easy like ending a marriage or staying in a place that God has me and not knowing the total outcome.

The worst thing one can do is to not make a choice either way. I was in that place for two years. I needed to make a choice and waited for others to do it for me and I ended up in all sorts of odd situations and yet all were learning curves and full of people that helped me and protected me yet it was a painful learning experience. If I would have made a choice I would have saved myself a few years of pain and yet it was my choice to wait. It is what it is. For goodness sakes CHOOSE!!

The third kind of choice besides right ones and wrong ones is BAD CHOICES. We all know those. They are choices we know are bad when going into them. We never consult with our Higher Power / God. We never ask our best friends or moms before we make these choices. We simply do not want to stop the bad we are about to do and so we do it and then after when we are in a mess we are "God, Why"??? "Mom, why am i miserable" :) and they simply love us........Examples could be showing up late for work each day, flirting when you are married, overdrawing your bank account, drinking when alone and sad, eating fast food every day, not praying, being negative and talking negative to others, lying, cheating, stealing and a big one gossip! and on and on.

Today I'm about choices. First of all I do not make bad choices very often. The other evening I was in a pout and I decided to lay in bed at 8 and cry and act the victim and I did not call up anyone because I knew i would get a "Get your butt out and do something" so .....I choose to be unhappy and silly. BAD choice. Then I got up and made a good choice to go work out and pray and there you go. When I get like this I call up my mentor and expect him to be "oh you poor thing" and he is all about "It's Choices Cheryl" and yes.....It is!

I guess with all this I want to speak to other women who are going through life changes that are whipping your butt!...... that life is right now TODAY about you making that choice. Should you get another job? Should you stop drinking or doing drugs? Should you file divorce? Should you stop being negative? Should you find your spiritual path? YES....Do it!! As my mentor says "Get off your butt and do it" and he is MOST CORRECT!!

As long as you are not making a bad choice then for goodness sakes make a choice! If its a wrong choice then its ok! Its life. Life is about making wrong choices as much as we hate that fact. We all do that and then you will walk down another path and learn from it. Waiting too long or worse NOT making that choice is self destructive and can turn into a BAD CHOICE in a moment.

Trust that your higher power / God will be there in the universe and will guide you and trust that all things will work together for the good!

And for goodness sakes "GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND DO IT" :)

The Whale

Alannah sent me this story yesterday and made me cry! A good cry. While I am not a whale i can relate to this story on so many different levels.

I too was caught up in a huge web and trapped and I too had hundreds of people all over the USA rooting for me. OR so it seem like that many. I had so many from here in the springs help me.

I too had someone cut the web. My web was a web of lies and deceit and such a great denial that needed someone to gently just show me the way.

Thanks Alannah one of my special Angels. I think I have shared it here before that I call these people my angels and they are!

Love you all very much!! SMOOOOCH!

Enjoy the Whale story. Not sure if the pic is real yet the story is sweet. And YES I DANCE AROUND And Sing and laugh and smile. Life is GOOD.

Now I challange myself and you to go out and be a diver in this world and untangle those that are bound my fear and hopelessness and all the lies one believes.

Always Encourage. Practice never saying a negative statement to anyone because you could change them forever. That is deep. Think about it!

PEACE....


..The Whale... If you read a recent front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to
struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her
mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the Golden Gate ) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around as she was thanking them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The man who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude. I pass this on to you, my friends, in the same spirit.

Getting To Know You Thing

My friend Sharon sent this to me and I thought I would share a bit about me :)

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:30

2. How do you like your steak? Medium Rare

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Eat, Pray & Love

4. What is your favorite TV show? I do not watch TV. When I do I like news shows like 2020

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Scotland in the Highlands In a Castle.....

6. What did you have for breakfast? I will have oatmeal and a egg or almond butter on a Tablespoon

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Number 1 is FRENCH, second is real Italian ..Indian, Greek, Afghan, Mexican, Spanish English Pub Grub, Southern, San Francisco Seafood. ...Foodies cant pick one.

8. What foods do you dislike? sushi...hate it but want to love it sooo much and any boxed fake food, like cake mix!

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Any romantic place that uses fresh ingredients with a French flair.

10. Favorite dressing? Organic Annies Goddess...LOVE IT

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Ford explorer called "Blue Boy" Been with me through it all!

12. What are your favorite clothes? Anything different that reeks of Cheryl. I do not like shopping in the usual places.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? New York......and somewhere tropical.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Its sooo half full and in fact its over flowing!

15. Where would you want to retire? Somewhere with my mountain man when he comes and collects me, hope he hurries whoever he may be ;)

16. Favorite time of day? Early morning looking out at the sunrise. Or better yet on a walk just basking in the beauty. The sunrise and sets are amazing in the rocky mountains.

17. Where were you born? San Diego Calif

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Ice skating

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? Silly question

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? See above

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? see above

22. Bird watcher? No, yet i love birds and their brilliant colors

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? MORNING....love it.

24. Animals? Monkeys.....& Penguins....

25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share? Going to California for Christmas!!

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Mommy and Wife...Homemaker.

27. What is your best childhood memory? Camping

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Both

29. Are you married? No

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes

31. Been in a car accident? Yes-Was hit from behind

32. Any pet peeves? People being negative

33. Favorite pizza toppings? Pepperoni and Salami....All American.

34. Favorite Flower? Tulips

35. Favorite ice cream? Chocolate, has to only have cream milk sugar and chocolate in it....

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? In and Out

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Passed it first time

38. From whom did you get your last email? eA nice lady named Cynthi

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I would not do that!

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Yea.....decided to wait a bit on the whole school. Felt good....

41. Like your job? Yes, They are good to me and im learning alot.

42. Broccoli? Like it and love it with Irish cheddar cheese sauce.

43. What was your favorite vacation? Anywhere...I love to go and love to fly. Even if its just up in our Rocky Mountains.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Becky....had a great time, food was pretty good but not brilliant.

45. What are you listening to right now? Hum of my computer....

46. What is your favorite color? Shades Of Red...pale pink to magenta.

47. How many tattoos do you have? none

48. Coffee drinker? Love coffee......

49. How many children do you have? Three wonderful kids.....I am blessed.

The Afghan

The Afghan

My roommate Becky is in a online crocheting club. Once she joined this project a lady from another state mailed her a piece of a pattern to crochet and all the yarn etc. She did not know what the finished project will look like? Will it be a blanket? or will it be a Shaw? etc? She knew the colors were beige and purple and green! ...We both kind of went ...ewww as the colors were strange at first. She has been crocheting her little hands off with these squares. As she worked and worked the colors became beautiful and seemed to match together.

Well.....

Yesterday she got a final picture of what this "Afghan" will look like...wow....who knew? Its simply magnificent! Beautiful. I was shocked and excited by the final outcome. All the little squares were different and all came together!

Where am I going with this?

My life and many women in my life have a pattern and yet to have all the instructions and have not a clue what the final outcome will look like. I myself have maybe half of the outcome? I know what the final product may look like but not entirely! I know it will be beautiful and brilliant! I just keep chugging away at it like Becky did!

The Big Kahuna

I was just reading in my "Simple Abundance Book" and this line really touched me and in fact the whole November 16th page rocked me today. Yes, I am not going in order. I just started in Feb or so of this year and some days I do 2 pages! Nov 16 is called "Riding The Big Kahuna" Catch the Wave! Sounds so exciting and life can be like that every day!

Think about when a surfer rides the wave. They are on top of the world and every thing is exciting and then they come crashing down with the wave and smiling and laughing and having fun. They then are just on still waters and going with the flow in peace waiting for the next big wave! wooo hooo......Life can be like that and is like that yet we are sometimes afraid of the waves in our life and choose to let them crush us and tumble us and toss us every which way....We can at any time choose to ride the wave and go with it with a positive attitude.

How? Simple..LOVE...Gods love and love of friends and family and a husband or wife and even pets! The book says we are fueled by high octane love :) I love that!

I have found love here in Colorado and in California! My kids love mom....no matter what. My family and mom loves me! :) ....I found love in good people who love me no matter what happened to me the last three years and who loved me through it and will keep being hard on me to help me make my goal! How cool is that? I found love in all my room mates and coworkers and friends! I found love in one person who wont give up on me not matter what. I am blown away.....Not romantic love yet in my life and they ask nothing in return.

Now...I will go out and copy them! And love......and know that I will be blessed to see a changed life. Life is great!

What I Do? or Woo Hoo I'm 142

I was very pleased to step on the scale to see that im down another pound! I started at 180 last November and have slowly lost a pound here and a pound there.

What is more important is that I have made some life changes and I want to inspire other women my age that its never too late in life to get healthy. I am just beginning a new life and want to start it healthy and the best Cheryl I can be :) A lot of people ask me "What do you do or What did you do" so I will list a few of the changed I have made sense February of this year.

I get up each A.M and pray and read a good inspiration of some kind. (Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach)

I go to church. I go to bible study. I go to a few groups that support me.

When I feel sad or negative I stop and start over with my thinking. I take every thought captive on most thoughts. When I stop doing that ...I START again! Even if it takes me a few hours. I do it. I have people in my life that will not let me cry or moan and expect me to snap out of it FAST.....

I surround myself with good positive people...and I become the person I would like to surround myself with!

I believe and dream big!

First thing in the A.M. I drink 20 oz of water
Then I eat fruit
Then breakfast and coffee
Fresh whole food.
No wheat at this time (may add it back someday)
No packaged processed canned foods frozen food
No fast food and limited eating out at restaurants
Organic food
Organic oatmeal
Organic fresh fruit
Organic fresh vegetables
extra virgin olive oil
organic 1 percent milk (I use the Horizon brand with the fat replaced by good oils)
Natural Organic salad dressings like Annies (I love goddess and woodstalk and ranch is good I hear, I find things to deliver Goddess (Darma)
Grass Fed Beef (maybe once a month)
Cage free organic brown eggs
I only eat meat maybe once a week or so
Hormone free chicken (organic)
Organic coffee with 1 percent milk (I use Newman's own french roast lately)
I use palm sugar which is low on the glycemic index
Think Thin energy bars (one a day and add the calories)
No white sugar
1 T honey or pure real maple syrup
Natures valley olive oil spread in place of butter (Whole foods or natural grocers)
Cheese of all sorts. Just 1 oz .....
Organic cottage cheese
Exercise 30 min a day or more outside on a jog walk
Or jog indoors when its cold
Lift weights for my arms
When i get remarried some day i will let my husband chase me for exercise :)

Chocolate: Where is chocolate here? Well.....I love it and believe dark organic chockey is great for you. I just for now am getting to goal weight so I left it out and do not miss it at all now. It took me months to get there. I did a whole super pound of peanut m and m's a few months ago in a weekend so I decided to stop.....

Alcohol: For now i am in a healing and growing mode and this is not a part of my life. Just like chocolate its gone for now. I am GREAT without it. I really am.......

When I go to someones home for dinner or out to dinner my goal is to not be a bore and talk about my eating style unless they ask...I eat a little bit of everything and enjoy myself with NO guilt and do not think of the organic thing. I do it at home enough that every now and again I can have fun. Pizza and Mexican food...:)

I went to a potluck party last Sunday and I had a bit of it all and skipped the dessert / cookies and still lost this week. I did fill up on salad and just a scoop of other things. More a taste.....

Do I cheat ever? YES...... I'm human. My angels call me on it if it seems like im out of control on the cheat. Like right now I went mad with the I cant believe its not butter spray. Not organic NOT healthy Not good ....when its gone i will not buy it again! I love love love my human angels:) smooooooooooch

and LAST....My mentor is who told me about all of the above and he does not want any credit ..:)So I put him last! He is not last in my book...

He says that in the end I did it and I listened to him and yes I do listen to him and I did not have to take his advice, yet....how could I not when I trust that his advice is the best for me and from God? Before anyone gets all thinking im perfect and always listen to everything. I don't and it grieves me when I do not listen because it only hurts me in the end.

My advice is to find a mentor! A lady or man at your church or group or a online mentor ..someone who you are accountable to.

I have decided to go to school and now its the "What are you going to take"? At first I thought I would pursue a preschool teaching degree (I did this when the kids were babies) and then after a few weeks of careful consideration I have decided that is not what im called to do right now even though I love little kids and am good with them. I then thought of my next love "cooking" and oh yea...Its my first love and my first calling in life. (Next to wife and mom) I remember standing up to the stove as a kid on a chair with my grandmother stirring the pot. Yet, its my talent and my love. Do i want to do it as a job? in a restaurant? No....I do not. Do I want to take cooking lessons for myself..You bet. That will come someday...

So what else do I love? I love make up and skin care! Love it and always have done. Can I see myself helping ladies have healthy awesome skin? Yea .....Can i see myself in a salon giving facials? You bet......Can i do this for years and not get bored? YES.....

Thats it. Im on my way this week to research schools and tuition and etc etc. I work in the health industry so it all goes along the lines of what I do now and what im passionate about!

Life is good....and a grand adventure!

Elenore

I just got back from my jog and I met the nicest lady! Her name is Elenore she lives at the top of my little hill. :) I have been walking and most recently jog walking up that hill for months. At first I could not make it to the top on a fast walk and now I am jogging half the time. It feels great when I am done as I am all out of breath and my body just feels great. I struggle once i get to the top to stay in jog mode. That is where Elenore comes in!

When I was jogging / or walking past her house she gave me the thumbs up sign. She was on her patio and came out to meet me. She said that she had watched me for a while now going up the hill daily and always gave me the thumbs up!

Again people who read this....I am inspired and in awe...Have i said that before??? YES....I am blessed beyond what I ever imagined! She told me how she cooks healthy and makes this wonderful vegetable beef soup and how to make it real healthy and to taste wonderful and sinful! Wow...that is my goal! I want to make great healthy food taste sinful and gourmet! She said her daughter cooks healthy gourmet! OK....Im excited now. Elenore said she would give me her recipe for Vegetable soup. That is me ....That is the girl people are amazed at who can just get real friendly and close to a stranger. That is me and part of my gift.

I'm excited now to go out and find more Elenore's!!! Life is full of good people and by gosh im going to go find them every chance I get. What makes me different then some people is that I always never feel rejected when i talk to strangers and they do not want to talk or they act strange. I just know that its not their deal...and its ok. I get rejected half the time I talk to people and I just smile and not take it on as my deal.

Her parting words to me were: I said "When God closes one door she opens another" and she said to me "He already has (Opened a door) and you just can not see the future yet" WOW........

Did I say im blessed?

Alannah and Trespassing!

Last Saturday I went to visit my friend Alannah. Alannah is beautiful and wise and I can not say enough about her. She is one of the sweetest people I have met here in Colorado and I have met a ton of them! She lives way up in the mountains in the forest and her home is as beautiful as she but its more then that its a feeling I get when I walk in. A feeling of love and peace. OK no more Alannah warship!

We went for a walk and she was showing me this fabulous home and what makes it so great is the fact that it sits right on a hill and a stream. They have balconies and big huge windows that over look the stream / mini river. They built a small platform right above the river and there sat two chairs. The house is for sale and Alannah said it was empty so we just hiked right in. There are not any fences as its the forest. We climbed rocks etc and marched our butts right up to the platform and sat right down. For the next hour or so we talked about dieting, relationships, exercise, relationships, work, relationships :) ..etc. Good girlie talk.

As we decided to go home we climbed the rocks again and there at the top of the stair case was a young lady! She said "hello" We were so embarrassed. TRESPASSERS! She just smiled at us as we told her how sorry we were, we thought this home was empty but we loved her platform and we had good girlie talk and she smiled. She was one of us. She knew about girie talk and how important it was and was somehow blessed that we had picked her platform to do it. I suspect she gets in alot of girlie talk herself. Women know this is a good thing.

She was so sweet and gracious and invited us in the home for a tour. The home belonged to her boyfriend who turned out to be a famous recording producer and recording artist. We just loved our visit with this new friend and she was invited into our girlie time. She is a artist as well and has a gallery in town and we are going to go visit her soon to do a big thank you.

Now that is what I call hospitality! That is what life is all about. To take the time and seize the moment! To invite two ladies in your home because you see that they are one of you and like you! How cool is that?

Divorce

The last few weeks I have avoided writing on my blog because my divorce court date is this week and I really do not feel creative. I am not in a place where i am avoiding feelings and letting them just flow and some days im all excited about my future and some days or moments I am in a state of indifference. I call it indifference because its not real sadness as in grief as I did the last three years of this divorce yet it is something serious! I am in a state of reflection on my marriage good and bad. The past three years I choose to only remember the good times and the last eight months I choose to only think of the bad times and now the last few weeks I have been in peace that it was what it was and it was a learning time for me and I growing time.

My time with this soon to be ex was a time of growth for me a time when I fell and fell hard. When I was 20 my therapist told me "Baby, when you are older you are going to crash from all this perfectness and God help those around you" She knew....and I did crash here in Colorado. Ex husband was the one to help me along with this fall. He made it possible for me to hit bottom on all levels. Emotionally, spiritually and with my health. I am grateful that I did hit a hard bottom and I came out of it after three years because now I am on my way up and im almost to the top!

I am so at peace with this ending of a chapter and I do not even look at it as a bad chapter but a growing time in my life and it happened and now what can I do with it? What will God do with it in my life? My good friends husband said to me "God closes this door and will open another" and I believe that is true. I have to trust and to wait and to stay happy and positive and as my mentor says "Dream Big"....And I do!

I feel that my usual posts here are fun and light and this one is serious yet its what I have been avoiding in my writing and I cant fake fun and happy so I was avoiding writing here. I am not sad yet I am not happy. I am in a state of healing and letting go of a marriage and I am so grateful that i am in a place where this is so natural and feels so right.

Feelings are not optional and even if you cover them up they will come out...someday when you least expect it.

No, I wont go on and tell you how wonderful my two mentors are :)....I love them both more then you can imagine! They say its all MY work. I say I could not have done it without them. Thank You...C and M.......C for being the soft heart that loved me no matter what and M for being the one very hard on me and loving me no matter what.....God Bless You Both!

St. Michael, the Archangel - Saints & Angels - Saints & Angels - Catholic Online

St. Michael, the Archangel - Saints & Angels - Saints & Angels - Catholic Online

I am so excited that tomorrow is the first day of fall that I can not even wait until tomorrow to write about it! I am going to go up North to Leadville Colorado on Saturday with Becky and Kevin and we are going to ride the train :) Its going to be beautiful to see the changing leaves and fall colors. I will write about it and have pics as Kevin is going with us. Kevin is a good friend of Beckys. Ok off to get ready for work.

Who Do You Admire? Why?

Today in my Simple Abundance book a question was asked: "Who are the women you admire and why"? Women I admire.....

First and foremost I admire my mom. She has had a challenging life and at age 70 has turned it all around and is starting OVER! She inspires me as i am starting over and if she can do it then I can do it!

I was thinking yesterday after I told a friend that I call my mom daily and i was thinking about why? Yes I love her! and She is my MOM!

Mom simply makes me smile and she always gives me positive answers and positive statements. She spews positiveness in the universe and always has done when i talk to her. She gets EXCITED and i mean real excited at things like that im almost in a size 8! or that my man in the mountain is going to come some day. She claims there is a man up in Cheyenne mountain that will "collect' me soon :) So cute and POSITIVE happy.....That is mom! When the kids were little and i was exasperated at things like potty training she would say things like "oh well, she will be potty trained on her wedding day so dont worry" :) serious....Mom...I admire mom.

My friends present and past are the same. I admire them when they are positive and full of faith. When they let God do the work and have faith that its
Gods will and all will turn out just as he has planned! I love that! When you loose a job a friend says "God will have a new better one for you, HOW EXCITING and FUN" :) When you divorce a friend says "Wow, i cant wait to see what God has planned for your life, I'm so excited for you" A friend recently said that to me ......

I admire homemakers who love their families and devote their time to their husbands, children and grand children. I love women CEO's of big companies who are fair and successful. I admire women who have come out of abuse and can help others and one of my new friends is that! She had horror in her and her children's lives and yet here she is successful and trusting God and inspiring me to NO end! She is amazing.

I admire my sister and cousin and my daughters. All who have had a rough time in life and yet all are wonderful, beautiful and my hero's!

That is it for now......

OH yea one more...............I admire ME :) I admire Cheryl and the way she inspires others and is getting more positive by the day and is moving forward and I have discovered its ok to admire yourself at times and to love Cheryl! She is good.....

Yesterday I went belly up and that is not a pretty picture when one is at a desk at work and one is doing sells! I actually had a pretty good sales day and was able to put on a smile with each call .....It was the between calls that was shameful!

I was crying all day on and off and in the bathroom and a mess. Why you ask? I set here figuring it out and I think its just all the pent up fake smiles that finally got to me. On most days im really happy and yet I know i have not given myself enough alone grief time in the past few weeks as i have been having so much fun!

Why am I in grief? I have been separated for three years and our marriage over for more like six years and yet I feel grief. Do i still want to be married to my ex? Does he want to be married to me? NO .....Do I miss him? NO....I miss his friendship at times and know that maybe we can get that back someday. What is it? I filed divorce and smiled my way thorough it because I was finally healing and finally in a strong place to face reality and do what God wanted me to do. Why? Why now? Why on Wed Sept 15 did I go almost belly up?

My room mate just nailed it on the head. I was grieving not for a loss of my ex husband as a husband but I was griving out the loss of a dream. When I was a little girl they would ask "Cheryl, what do you want to be when you grow up" I would say "A wife and mommmy" I wanted to be a mom and to bake cakes and cupcakes for class parties! and I did that! Every year of my sons six years in school i was the head room mom. Not just a room mom but head room mom!

I now am here single and wondering where i went wrong? No answers come and that is what made me cry yesterday. I want this divorce to be all put in a neat little box with bows and all nice! I want to know all the answers so i wont do it again if I did something in the first place to cause such a mess.

I have a court date in a few weeks and that will be a part of closure and I know we both will be relieved when this is over. We talked a bit yesterday and he wished me well and and I wish him well and happiness and YES I want him to find love again. I know that he will and so will I.

Today Im ok. Going to work and going to smile and sale like crazy. This letting your grief come when it needs to come is ok. My boss talked to me last night and we have a plan if this happens again yet i know that was a one time thing for me and I have worked it through and lost a pound so far this week! I did not use food as an excape.

Thats all. Hope I made sense......

The Dream

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and could not get up yet was wide awake so I just started praying and soon feel asleep and in a very deep sleep which I have not done lately. I had a dream. Not just a scattered dream but a vivid dream that was just as if i was awake and I still remember every detail. That is very unusual for me and I have not had a dream like that in over 10 years or more.

It was from God.....

I dreamed that I was walking through a parking lot and I spotted a car. It was a big grey colored car and inside sat my soon to be ex husband in the passengers side. I got in the drivers side and looked at him and he said "Hi Cheryl, I am going to go be with my new wife now. I love her and I am happy" I looked in his eyes and he was happy and I asked about his "wife" and he said that she was very sweet and loved just him and they were getting married soon. He said he talked to my mom about it (I know its a dream lol) and she liked her as well. I then told him that I was in love but could not talk about it right now but that I am very happy as well. We then smiled at each other and for a instant I had a bad feeling .....sad feeling and then I felt peace. Wanted happiness for him.

I then said good bye for now......and got out of the car and walked away and just woke up to write this.

Wow......

I do not have huge God moments like this often to never and this was one of them and im in awe of it....and grateful that I have such a God To come to me in a dream just when i need it most.

FaLL

Today is the first day of fall in Cheryl's own private world. Not really the first day of fall by the calender yet its feeling "fallish" I LOVE autumn and everything about it and always have done. Mind you spring is close second. I love all the seasons and am so grateful that God made the seasons on the earth and in our life. When one ends you can be sure the next season is right there waiting. My blog is called "The summer that changed my life" I did not make that up :) Yet, it applies. I may have to change it to "The Autumn that changed my life". Then winter and so on because we are always changing for the better!

I love how in the start of autumn that the air seems to change over night (like this morning) and the morning air starts to feel a crisp cold in anticipation of winter. The change of color is brilliant. Rich browns and oranges and yellow and magnificent deep reds. I love the images of pumpkins and harvest! Pumpkin and apple pie and hey rides and harvest. A time to remember the bounty that God provides us each day. To put away for winter and prepare!

Did I mention that I love Autumn? :)

Now wait until OCTOBER hits. That is my favorite month of all time!

Blue Eyes

A few weeks ago I was taking my walk after dinner and a beautiful dog came running around me. Not up to me but around me and back and forth. He had magical blue eyes! I kept waking and assumed he stayed at his house. I was walking about 10 more minutes and came to this house with alot of dogs in the back yard and as I walked by the fence the dogs started barking and jumping the fence the beautiful blue eye dog came running around me first and then to the fence. He was clearly protecting me! I was in awe of this and felt so close to God at that moment. I forgot about until this A.M.

I was sitting here reading my devotional book and my room mate had her dog Bo on his leash and was about to go out for their morning walk. I heard her scream! and yell....and i ran out to the front of the house and she said "Cheryl, There is a German shepherd out there" and I was amazed that a dog would be sitting on the porch. It startled her because she almost let Bo out the door and Bo is a Pit Bull. A sweet pit bull mind you but never the less a pit bull!

I went to look out the window and it was blue eyes! Oh My Gosh......From God. My protector! I know all this seems so silly but its true. My room mate tried to shoo him away and I said "he is my protector" she just went out back and left that way and im sure she must be thinking her room mate has finally cracked up!

This is "The Summer That Changed My Life"

Gratitude.....

This morning I woke up with a tear falling down my face. What a way to wake up! Yet, it was not sadness or anger or confusion. It was a deep gratitude that hit me right in the heart as soon as I opened my eyes. Out of the blue...unexpected.

I have been sitting here for 30 minutes thinking about what to write in my Cheryl journal and for the life of me I could not get this emotion down on paper, yet I want to share it. The day I started this journey last January I simply had tears running down my face and I looked up at my mentor, with my sisters all around me and one with her arms around me and said "I don't have words" That is not something Cheryl says! I always have words! Yet, its was true and many times on my journey I lack words and that is ok and that is perfect and excellent as there does not always have to be words when the emotion is that deep and even when its something emotionless and drama free or simple I have learned that its ok to be silent. To reflect and as a friend of mine tells me "Dramatic Pause"

I am grateful this morning and blown away once again by the blessings I have and by those that bless me and most of all by God who never fails me.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."
-Melody Beattie

I am doing well and in a place of change right now. I have been in a place of change for years now and sometimes it is slow changes and sometimes its huge changes that come all at once..Hence..I am moving house today. A grand adventure! I have been listening to Zig Ziglar alot lately as well as listening to conference calls that my mentor hosts. They are so inspiring to me and keep me going. I found the below poem today and wanted to share it....More to come!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

My Dream

I just woke up and finished reading my morning book "Simple Abundance" and having a cup of coffee. I am in in a mellow mood and still thinking about my dream this morning. It was just before I woke up and some may call it a nightmare and it was a bit powerful but I would not call it a nightmare at all.

My dream was that I was with a person on the side of a swimming pool. I remember the water was a brilliant blue and beautiful and the person near me was a person that I feel save with. I do now know who that was right now as I type this. I do not know if they were male or female etc. Just that they were full of love and they were for me in life. Maybe this person or figure at the side of the pool was God. Or one of my angels here on earth.

At some point while standing at the side of the pool I fell in the water and I went down to the bottom of the pool. I was not afraid in falling because I knew in the past that I could just swim right back up on my own power.

I could feel the hard surface and had hit the bottom of the pool. I then was afraid and tried to swim to the top and could not even manage to go a inch. I then panicked and was afraid. That part lasted a few seconds and my thought was that the friend at the top would be sad and could not even come rescue me because they did not know I was not able to get up to the top on my own.

I then took a deep breath of surrender and took in a huge amount of water and felt nothing but peace and relaxation. It was beautiful and somehow very good and then I woke up.

I never can usually remember my dreams but rememberd this one very clearly and in color which is strange to me and yet was not disturbing and I smiled when I woke up. I thought "wow" how awesome for God to give me a surrender dream that was so peaceful and beautiful and just right for my life today as I have gone a bit further down the road of surrender last night. I let go of the need to control my life and made a choice to let God take over and it was beautuful and effertless and beautiful.

Now. In no way does that dream mean I'm going to die or think my time on earth is done. It just represents to me total surrender and while I am not there yet I can see that God is telling me that it will be peaceful and good.

I have come a long way because a few months ago I would have seen this as a nightmare that would have scared or disturbed me. Now I see it as a beautiful conframatoin from God that all I am doing here in Colorado is good and from him. I am blessed.....I am grateful.

Knight And Day

I went to see the new movie "Knight And Day" with Tom Cruz and Cameron Diaz yesterday. While the movie was not an academy award movie it was cute and my only gripe was that the car chases were a bit silly but other then that I liked it as it hit home with me on so many levels.

The character played by Cameron Diaz was a very smart and capable lady who was very much a sheltered person who had a air head / blond quality about her. She was put in a situation where she had to listen and depend on her captor to live and to move froward and in the beginning had no clue what was going on except that she trusted that if she followed she would be ok in the end. She did not do this perfect and ran the opposite way and did her own thing out of panic and fear more then a a few times and every time the result lead to disaster. (See how I can relate here) and She did this with blond charm. And if you must live life then do it with charm......

Cute move...Thought provoking. In the end she used her brain and strength to save the day.

I had a very challenging ......OK I will call it what it was "HARD AS HELL" few days and guess what? I got through it without chocolate and a few tears but the key phrase here was that I did get through it.

I let myself go into a drama filled place full of people who disregard me as a human. Period. Key word here is "I" as in I let myself go there knowing the outcome and consequences yet there I go......Into the pit of darkness and then I call up "people" and say "HELP"...

My helper in life showed me how to stay out of the darkness and what it feels like to be in the light or with sane good positive people. and for Cheryl today it no longer feels right to be with anyone or anything that is bad. Yes, we use words like bad. Call it what it is......

Now, the hard part of my work is that I want to help the people who are in the pit. The pit is what I use to describe a place of negative in our life and people who are constantly in their own private pits. I do not mean life challenges like disease or death, that is NOT in a pit. I mean unnecessary drama and sin of all kinds. Negative thoughts or behavior and false fear.

Good Stuff :)

Weight: I am doing well on my eating plan or I call it a life plan. I was feeling very tired and awful last week and on the weekend I bought some spinach to make a spinach salad and in a few days I started feeling better. Food is fuel! What a concept. If we put high grade fuel in our bodies and keep the fluids up then it runs wonderfully.

Finances: All good here. I have to get my car transmission replaced this week and am grateful I had just the correct amount in savings. God is good......

New Blog Name

The last two week I have found myself gong off track a abit and while i was not a runaway train I did have to get back on track. The first thing that I did was start questioning my church yet not my faith. What I discovered is that God is not there to entertain me and for me to expect this is wrong. I love my faith and when I try to change that I get all miserable. Yes, I would love to attend a church full of people and fun and etc but I can find that elsewhere and not change my religion doing it.

The second thing is that I go a bit off the rails with my food / diet. I am not on a diet and started thinking along those lines. I eat for life. I eat normal but small meals and I have things i need to not eat often and I have rules like I am not to eat a nude carb :) Sounds all shady! A nude carb is a carb alone and not mixed with a protein. I ate m and m's peanut for dinner and decided that was a carb / protein combo and my nutritionist decided that was not the case. He stressed last week that I need even more protein and more exercise with weight lifting and to NOT change the plan to suit me and NO substitutions. ok Back on track with the food thing.

The budget it good. My car broke down and the bill will be 1000 next week and I can pay for it! Again......The budget it good.

Now the hard part. My attitude sucked last week. Badly. I was disrespectful to a person helping me and more important I was disrespectful to myself. I was negative and sled right into victim mode. Hence........the new title of my blog "PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND DEAL WITH IT".......Which is the last thing my mentor in life said to me before he hung up last week! ICK......Now i have a choice don't I? I can hear a "Excellent".....Or ......My choice. I choose "excellent".

Now the fun part. I got in my creative mode last night and cooked. I made Chicken cacciacorte and my three room mates and myself had a girl friend time. Girls are good! Women are important to me and vital :) But....I need the men in my life to say "Deal With It"......Ballance.

Sleep

Sleep.......I have been sleeping very well the last few weeks. Its amazing! I can not believe it when I wake up five or six hours after I drift off to sleep. I look at my clock in amazement. I use to wake up every hour our two. Healthy lifestyle is no longer optional for me anymore. My helpers in life have me doing a few things which I account for my great sleep. One being I have a snack before bed and the other thing is that I take my Coral Calcium also before bed! We sell it here at Functional Medicine Specialists. The other thing is that I do not go on my computer after 7:30 at night which can be too stressing. I light a candle and listen to music or read. When I do put on the tv on work nights and that is very seldom, I watch only very light weight shows that are fun. Last but not least is that I walk 30 minutes after dinner. IT is a light weight wonderful walk to clear my mind. Healthy living is good and sleep is wonderful and they say that you will not loose weight as well if you do not sleep.

Love you all at FMS!! Yes, I work here and I am a patient. I am double blessed!!!

All which yields, is not weak...~Phèdre nó Delaunay

Today I woke up with a lot of "stuff" in my head and have been reading and writing and feel better. I have this need to know everything and to control everyone and when I let go I am at peace..

BURNING AWAY THE BAD

I am doing alot of hard work right now. Yesterday, was the great work of controling my emotions and not letting them go mad! I had a block of about fifteen minutes at work where I just let it go.....not a good thing. I was not on the phone but i let the after feelings linger the whole day. My boss must have heard me because he called me from upstairs and asked if i was ok and I said yes that i was just having a bit of a temper with my computer and he came down and put on the heater and I felt that people care to stop me in my tracks.

I am much better today.Are my feelings the same? YOU BET. Its how I handle them is the key to my work the next few months. I feel anger and sadness and I do not always like my teachers help / work. Work is what it is...work. Working on ones self for improvements is not easy. My mentor said its like searing with fire and then polishing. I am in the searing with fire part :) and that is the temper yesterday. I remember a few good lines and am reminded of them. Nothing changes...nothing changes. I am about change. My attitude is good right now. I am blessed beyond what anyone can imagine

Safari

Spring is here in Colorado Springs. My life oddly is going with the flow of the seasons. I was in the winter of my life the last few years. Cold, dark, gloomy yet mysterious and unknown.

The last few months i have now been in the spring of my life. Full of color and new growth and crisp and clean and sunny and like Colorado Springs little bits of winter can still creep in. In Colorado we can have snow in Spring and cold days and then the next day is sunny and nice.

I read a book each and every morning "Simple Abundance, A Day Book Of Comfort and Joy" By Sarah Ban Breathnach. The book is a journey of becoming your self, your real self...Your authentic I had no clue who Cheryl was! Serious. I was a wife who wanted to please at all costs and am a Mom and a daughter and a sister and a friend......Yes, those things are the best part of me and yet the last few years I became lost.

I am today on a safari :) The word safari means journey and many times people safari in the dry season of summer or for me in the dry periods of life in isolation or in the dessert of my life.

Have a great day everyone!

Let Your Self Go.....

"It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can
get yourself back."

Mick Jagger

It's sunny and beautiful here in Colorado this A.M. I am at peace and just relaxing and playing and reading. How blessed I am to have this morning all to myself in a warm house full of good ladies.

I have lost 20 lbs sense last November. I am changing my diet a bit to lower the carbs I eat and add more healthy oil. I have been eating 1 T of butter mixed with canola oil and 1 T of EV olive oil but my skin seems dry lately so im going to add more oil and less carbs for a few weeks. I want to loose 10 more lbs by June 1.

I am still working with a life coach and a nutritionist. My nutritionist is also my boss at work so it makes it nice. We are putting exercise equipment at work in the back office next week so that we all can exercise on our breaks! Again. I am blessed beyond what I could have imagined in a job.

That is all but wow. Its alot!!

God Bless You All

Faith

Today I wake up alone in a very cold Colorado and still not knowing everything about my life here in Colorado. Yet, I am at more peace then I have ever been in a long time. I know that there are a huge network of people in the back ground helping me. I do not know who they are but know what they stand for and for that I love all of them, even the ones that are hard on me and there have been many. I thank them. I am on a journey that is both daunting and exciting and I know I have the support of my family.

I know that I will be ok. I have to keep positive and keep watchful. Keep my brain on at all times and think before I speak or just stay silent. That is all I need to do today. Not easy all the time for cheryl :) More to come. Does anyone read this?

Not A Clue

This last fall I was watching the movie "Silence of the Lambs" with a few people. Their is this one scene where a FBI detective, played by Jodie Foster is in a dark scary house looking for a lady who is held hostage. The lady is in a deep dark hole dug in the ground in the house and the phychopath killer is hiding out ready to pounce. Scary ....

The girl in the hole is scared and its dark and she has been in this hole for a long time and she sees no hope. She has no answers as to why she is there and she is freaking out. The FBI agent stumbles upon the hole and looks down to see a dirty and very frightened girl and says "Miss, I am a FBI agent and I will get you out of there but you have to wait" she says "Bitch, don't leave me here".

The lady I was watching this movie with turned to me and said "Wow, she called her and bitch and the FBI agent is going to help/save her".

I said or I am not sure I said it or thought it but "The girl simply does not know who the FBI agent is or that she is there to help her and not kill her or be a part of the hurt" ....

Wow, life changing for me. That night I got to thinking that many came in my life and I shouted and cried and all along people were there to help.

Am I ashamed? or guilty? NO.....That is where I was in my process at the time and like the young girl in the dark hole I simply was very afraid and just where i needed to be at the time so that on a day like today I could reflect on that scene and learn from it.

Journey

I am on a journey and while I know some of what I am to do I am in the dark on most of what is going on. That is where my faith in God comes in. I just take each step as they are given me and know that everyone that comes in my

HONESTY WITH MYSELF

Honesty with my self and others starts with knowing Cheryl.

These are my real thoughts and feelings and likes and dislikes:

I dislike thrift stores. Everyone tells me to go and find clothes and I hate them and always have hated them. Its not that i want to spend money. I am just not a person that would love to go buy six pairs of thirft clothes vs one pair of pants that I love and that I picked out and that no one has worn. I worked hard the last few weeks and I am going to buy a new pair of jeans that fit me and that I choose.

My mom use to love the thrift stores and that is ok but that is my mom and that is Betty and that is alot of people but its not Cheryl. I need to stop trying to be what others want me to be. I need to be me! and im ok and not being a bad person to not like thrift stores. I love the books in thrift stores and that is it.

Now to think of what else I compromise on and lie to everyone and even myself about? For today or for this moment this is enough for me. Now....Do I tell people this? Will I seem bosy? or will I hurt thier feelings? No, honesty is ok as we are all different and if they want to be around me then i cant walk on egg shells.....Thats all ...shower time.

28 January

I Cheryl am happy and I am eating well and exercising both my mind and body. This will manafest into both a healthy mind, body and spirit. I am confadant that I will reach my goals with positive thinking and hard work and all with the help of my higher power and God.

Todays goals:
Stay on target with my eating
Watch and use each word that comes out of my mouth

BecomingAware

A long journey starts with the first few steps.

I went to church yesterday and it was very nice to set and warship God and give him thanks for not giving up on Cheryl. I had a nice restful afternoon and then went to alanon.

Alanon gives me encouragement to know that I can accomplish what I need to do in life and I CAN have my life just the way I want it if I work the program and use the tools given me the last few years.

God has me in a place where I have alot of work to do and and it is not always going to be easy. A big thing that came out of alanon last night was that I have to teach people in life how to treat me. I can not just compromise anymore and keep the peace at all costs. Doing that leads me to disparate acts to hide my feelings of resentment and fear and I WILL NOT let that happen ever again. I also have to treat people as I would like to be treated.

Have a great day.

I feel that today I am to write in my blog but have no idea what to write. I am sitting here at seven A.M. totally confused but in total peace. I have no idea why I'm here in Colorado or what brought me here. I just know who brought me here and for that I have peace. I am a bit afraid and a bit confused and a bit excited and a bit happy and a very little bit sad and a bit anxious and a bit peaceful.

I am thinking that for the last four years i have not been nuts and making up things that have happened to me odd and then again I question this. I know that there are others out there in Colorado and California and the whole USA rooting for me and I feel so blessed by that and in awe and humbled. Who are they? Why? Why do they care about me who has been a two year mess?

Who are all of you? And why is there so many of you? Who is a part of you? Darlene? Betty? Carolyn? Danette and the girls? I could go on. Kim? Hope so as i miss you. Val? Margarete? and my sweet Heather? and all the other beautiful girls that touched my life. My work mates? Jennifer? George? Jeannie and Brock and little gizmo? :) and that terror in Lizas place :) ....lol Gosh you scared me....

I don't make sense. I don't understand.

I can only listen to Carolyn now. "All will be revealed" "You dont need to know the answers right now" "when the time is right".....

I am on a path and journey today. I am not alone but have total control over my path. I can choose to go back to Calif and live or I can choose to stay and find Cheryl and find what God wants for me. I choose to find Cheryl today. I choose to find that mom and wife and girlfriend and daughter and sister and auntie.