Yesterday I went belly up and that is not a pretty picture when one is at a desk at work and one is doing sells! I actually had a pretty good sales day and was able to put on a smile with each call .....It was the between calls that was shameful!

I was crying all day on and off and in the bathroom and a mess. Why you ask? I set here figuring it out and I think its just all the pent up fake smiles that finally got to me. On most days im really happy and yet I know i have not given myself enough alone grief time in the past few weeks as i have been having so much fun!

Why am I in grief? I have been separated for three years and our marriage over for more like six years and yet I feel grief. Do i still want to be married to my ex? Does he want to be married to me? NO .....Do I miss him? NO....I miss his friendship at times and know that maybe we can get that back someday. What is it? I filed divorce and smiled my way thorough it because I was finally healing and finally in a strong place to face reality and do what God wanted me to do. Why? Why now? Why on Wed Sept 15 did I go almost belly up?

My room mate just nailed it on the head. I was grieving not for a loss of my ex husband as a husband but I was griving out the loss of a dream. When I was a little girl they would ask "Cheryl, what do you want to be when you grow up" I would say "A wife and mommmy" I wanted to be a mom and to bake cakes and cupcakes for class parties! and I did that! Every year of my sons six years in school i was the head room mom. Not just a room mom but head room mom!

I now am here single and wondering where i went wrong? No answers come and that is what made me cry yesterday. I want this divorce to be all put in a neat little box with bows and all nice! I want to know all the answers so i wont do it again if I did something in the first place to cause such a mess.

I have a court date in a few weeks and that will be a part of closure and I know we both will be relieved when this is over. We talked a bit yesterday and he wished me well and and I wish him well and happiness and YES I want him to find love again. I know that he will and so will I.

Today Im ok. Going to work and going to smile and sale like crazy. This letting your grief come when it needs to come is ok. My boss talked to me last night and we have a plan if this happens again yet i know that was a one time thing for me and I have worked it through and lost a pound so far this week! I did not use food as an excape.

Thats all. Hope I made sense......