Happy Birthday Amanda

Today is your birthday!!

What can I say about you? You were my last baby and have been the one in our family to make us smile and laugh. You called me last night and guess what? You made me smile and yes laugh until my sides hurt. That is Amanda.....I tease you about being a "bad" baby and how you cried for week and its just to make you laugh. She was not really a bad baby. You just wanted her mommy and wanted to be loved and held. You Grammy called you the "hanging baby" as I held you as I took care of her brother Erik and sister Ash.

One time you wanted to get money from a tooth fairy and your dad told you that you had to loose a tooth first and you went right in the bathroom and with players took out a tooth that was not even lose. That is my Amanda.....

You and I lived in Colorado together alone for seven months and those months we were brave together in what was a very scary time. We just laughed our way through it.....Manman, always remember: 7-11, Hot cheetos, Going to get slurpies in the snow at midnight, walks in the snow, Indian food, Dar and the boys, The older man up stairs, Trips to dollar city, the library, Twinson.

Amanda you have grown up to be the women that I always imagined you to be. You are a women of honor and grace and I am proud to be called you MOM today. I love you very much and this is my present to you. My gift of words. God did a wonderful thing when he gave me you that August 10, 1990. He knew just what our little family needed.

You are a child of God and a daughter and a sister and now a girlfriend to Dustin...Life is good baby,

Love you very much,

MOMMY

Food As Medicine

I have been thinking a long time about food as medicine and surely it is. Its fuel and it also heals us or it can harm and even kill us if we eat the wrong foods year after year. Especially if we over eat them and eat them in huge portions day after day. I went to a dance yesterday and ate potato salad. You know the old fashioned one made white potatoes swimming in mayo :) I ate 1/4 cup of it and so do not feel so bad and and about to go on a four / five mile hike in a hour!

I know that its proven that apples actually heal your body as wells as all the fruits. Antioxidants! They kill the bad cells that develope from all the toxins in our world. Good fats eaten with good carbs can keep your blood sugar in the proper range as the oils slow down the digestion of the carbs...MEDICINE!! Coffee wakes up the brain and does wonders :)

Lisa (see cast members) tells me about our cortisol levels and aging and how stress affects our levels and how food can heal this! She insists on going on a rich meat and oil diet for a day to help her out when she is stressed out. It works....

I have eaten fruits and vegies and olive oil and lean protein (not meat every day) like yogurts and chicken and fish and some lean beef and pork and raw sugars like honey, Organic only when I can and GLUTEN FREE. And most important: filtered water... My numbers at the doctor were:

Cholesteral: Like a teenager
Blood Sugar: Non diabetic
Blood Pressure: Like a teenager
and most important:

BRAIN: Happy, Joyful, and looking forward to a grand future. UNWONKED.....:)

A year ago I was slammin big macs and frozen pizza....:) and in turn I was depressed and hopeless and wonkedup.....

In

Life is good..Ok off to my hike.....

Let The Past Go!

We all have a story to tell and the older we get the more we have to tell! Some of our stories are great and wonderful and some are not so good with pain and devastation. I have such a story and it is a few years in the making. What I have had to learn is that I AM NOT MY STORY!! I am not that two years of whatever and until I decided to find out who I was and I have done that was I able to live a abundant life.

My life-coach tells me I am not my story and that I have to move past it and to let the past go in order for me to move into my future. I have done that and am working on it daily. I am becoming a new creation and a bit of the old Cheryl...The Cheryl Lynn that was always there is coming alive!

If you are stuck in a past story then I ask you why? How does that serve you? Does it allow you to remain a "poor me victim"? and how fun is that? NOT.....How do you let go of the past?

You have to practice it daily in your thoughts. When a stinky thought comes to your mind you have to cast it out and replace it with a positive thought. When you think "Oh my, I cant believe I did that" you say "Who cares"? You are different now and move on!

Life is good and we have the power to create our future!!! (MrG)

Today at church they played part of the move "The Matrix" The part where Neo asks Morpheus to explain the matrix and Morpheus holds out two hands and in each hand there is a pill, ONE RED AND ONE BLUE.

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

Wow....

That pretty much sums up my life, how about yours? I had a choice just like that a year and a half ago. Last year i had the choice ....take the blue pill and stay in my life as it was....or take the red pill full of change and happiness and growth and yes "wonderland"...

Some days i think "blue pill come and get me" :) and then I carry on and do the next correct thing and am so happy I choose red and life!

Life is friggen good!!!

More to come....

Confidence

Confidence .....I can not say enough about how that one state of being impacts our life as women. It makes a huge difference in life with work, friendships and even love....

Most of you know i work in a infant room and we have two sweet little girls right now. One is very confident. She looks you in the eye and she has these big eyes and is is as cute as can be. She is boisterous and laughs very loud and her eyes are huge and she mesmerizes you. When strangers walk in she yells out and laughs and they look at her and she flirts away and gets a "hello, my arnt you a cutie" and she is all over that. She knows she is cute and goes after the complement and gets it each time.

Then there is the other sweetie pie. She may appear not as confident and yet her teachers know better. She is shy and does not like strangers and when they enter the room she looks away and cry's and people say "oh wow, she does not like strangers" They never say she is cute etc and yet I have just really bonded with her and when she smiles she is just beautiful and cute and knows how to flirt! She can mesmerize you with her eyes as well as baby above when she wants to. Key here is "when she wants to" :)

Both children have great parents who are confidant and both girls are as different as night and day. I more like the second sweetie pie. I am shy and it takes me a bit of time to trust people and I suspect i was always like this and now with people who tell me im good, smart and yes pretty (us women do need that from time to time) I am rocking...:)

My life-coach said this week that we can hover on the ground with the pigeons or we can sail through the sky with the eagles. I choose the eagles! and choose to be the eagle in everyone's life today.

I am sure this is the key to building self esteem / confidence. Choose friends, work associates, life mates etc that build you up and then you be that person as well. Strip the negative people from your life. The emotional vampires that suck the life out of you. :) and have fun for goodness sakes...

WAIT

Wait...My word of the day. Waiting has always been hard for me and often in my life I got impatient and did my own thing my own way and its always been a "How is that working for you Cheryl"? :) Because what I wanted was not in the immediate reach I would reach for second best and it was always a disaster. If I had only just waited.

I use to decide to cute my hair and i mean when I decided to that meant NOW as in right this minute so i would call up my stylist and of course she was all booked up for "right now" so i would go down to the local chain hair choppers and do it because i could not WAIT and wow I got a chopper all right.

I am all about waiting now. I have waited a year and a half for my life to just play itself out here in Colorado and have not jumped on the lets move here or there band wagon. Wait is not easy and like the bad hair cut not waiting on God is much harder! and you are very sorry at the result weather its a chopped "DO" or a chopped up botched up relationship.

My friend Michael is teaching me all about waiting in life and we had this conversation recently about how in our society no one wants to wait. Anything can be at our fingertips now. We can go into the store and get a gourmet meal and microwave it and we can talk to anyone at anytime on a cell phone. I remember when we only had a home phone and you had to wait for someone to call you back and really before answering machines you did not even know they called. wait.....

I have rushed things in life and today its all about waiting for what is good and perfect.

Weather its a beautiful relationship with the one that was meant for me all along while i was hurrying destiny along or that slow cooked all day beef bourguignon. Wow, that sounded sensual and related somehow.....haha

Ok next post will have to be about the meantime :) What to do in the wait.....HINT: sing, dance, pray, love, give, laugh, risk, ......and for goodness sakes..HAVE FUN....

Happy Mothers Day

I have journals for the kids and I want to share my last entry December 2010


To my children Mothers Day 2011

Dear Erik,

Years later and a much grown up mom. Reading this book brought me back to the great times of watching you grow up and of my last few years in Turlock.

Erik, I am so stinken proud of you! In my wildest dreams I could not ask for a better son. You have grown into a man of courage and honor and integrity. I'm in awe....When I was a little girl people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I would say "A mommy and a wife" Erik im so proud of me today. Look at you three....Im done! Anything else I do is icing on the cake!

You kids have showed your mom what self reliant and good and brave and what stand tall looks like! You have taught me what forgiveness looks like as well...You are a awesome partner to Brandon and a hard worker.

Remember the volcano with flour blowing up the kitchen? Your back yard homemade swimming pool? I fly out tomorrow to see you...Love you Buddy

Dear Ashely,

Im flying out to Colorado and can't wait to spend time with you. I'm in Colorado because my future is here and waiting. Weeder im so proud of you. You have become a beautiful women and a good partner to Roger and good sister and a awesome daughter. You ar a hard worker and for that im proud. You are daughter to the king. You are pink and fufu.....

You show me what a women of courage and strength looks like and you are my brave little girl. I am blessed to have you as my daughter and friend. I love you baby....

Dear Amanda,

You are a beautiful example of a mothers dream when she holds her little baby and dreams of what the grown up women will become. A women of courage and honor.I am blessed to have known you and to be your mom. You are funny and smart and bold and beautiful....giving and kind.

You fought hard to finish school and your work at your job is good.

You are a princess truly......Love you my third baby.......and you will always be all our baby....

DREAM TEAM

There is nothing that two women can not accomplish before noon if left alone to figure it out! That is of course unless one of them has a issue with her husband or boyfriend....So stinken true!!!

How true that is! We women think with our hearts, don't we? We can make a million dollar deal, close escrow on a house, head a board meeting and rule the world, yet.....when our hearts are not at peace we have trouble with focus and clarity and its then that we reach out to another women / friend and say "help" and she is there........We are heart centered / live in our hearts. I Know that is true for me.

I love my relationships with my girliepoos. Its important and I value them. Last night on the conference all with Michael he talked again about how important it is to have a group of people around us to be our support. He called it a dream team and I encourage each of you to set today and make a list of your dream team and if you do not have five or six good freinds on there to support you then I ask "why not"?

The best way to find your dream team is to go out and become a member of another s dream team. Reach out to people and be that support and be that friends that you desire!

Yes, there is not anything us women can accomplish in twos :) and if we have a issue with our hearts then be sure that we will have it figured out by noon....:)

Love all my girlies.....My mom, daughters, sister, cousins and friends.......smoooooooch

Be Prepared

I just heard on the news that a Boy Scout troop was missing and was just found safe and sound because....THEY WERE PREPARED! That is the boy scout motto "Be Prepared" I remember teaching that to my son and when they are little cubs they have to memorize that first "Be Prepared"....

How that speaks to me today. To prepare is everything. To be ready willing and able. To plan.....When we have goals we first have to set out a plan and put it into action. We will not be as successful if we just wing it each day and "hope" to reach the goal. I do not use the word hope and this is why.....

If we want to loose weight we have to be prepared with food and a exercise plan and a back up plan when friends ask us to go out to dinner or on a picnic. What will you do? Prepare and bring some of your own food? or Google the restaurant and find out what you can eat and then you are all set so that when you arrive you do not wing it and set yourself up to fail. If you do not have a clue what will be served and do not feel it appropriate to ask a hostess then mentally visualize yourself having very small portions and having fun and concentration on the moment and friends or family and not the food.

At home we can prepare for success by stalking our kitchens with good wholesome food.....not junk. Leave out the soda, candy, icecream and white sugar and flour. ewww. Once you stop eating these things you will say ewww....white sugar actually looks so funny to me now. Enjoy good food.....Your body will love you for it.


And above all "BE PREPARED".......

FUN FUN FUN

It has been a few weeks sense I have visited this blog. I have been doing well and happy and moved house. Moving is a huge chapter in ones story and its a wonderful new beginning. I moved in my own house. All by my self. Don't get me wrong....I loved having room mates, wonderful women who showed me how they did it. All were single at a later stage in their life and had no idea when they were in their 20's and thinking of "happy ever after in a relationship / marriage" that in their 40's and even 50's and 60's and beyond that they would face single-hood, and dating even! If someone would have told me at age of 35 that at age of 50 that I would be DATING I would have fainted and laughed at the absurdness of it all! Now I look forward to that new chapter in the Cheryl Movie! Im so..."I need to go shopping for dating outfits and shoes and new perfume for the new me" :) fun fun fun .....and maybe just maybe DADDY WONT TAKE HER T BIRD AWAY..:) Maybe this girl gets to keep it!!

In my readings this morning it said that sometimes its difficult to know which choice to make to move forward in your destiny if it involves an upheaval in your life and the lives of those you touch. When that happens perhaps we are not the ones meant to make the choice. That is when one can ask "WHAT WOULD LOVE DO"?.....You know what??????? LOVE ALWAYS KNOWS :) OK...lets rephrase that one! "HEALTHY LOVE ALWAYS KNOWS" :)

THE CHERYL MOVIE

My friend Lisa calls segments on ones life "Movies" When I was her room mate it could have been "Cheryl cries in her bedroom all weekend and eats a huge bag of peanut m & m's" Movie...Ect. (Healed from Divorce in her house) One could hear Lisa say many days "Im NOT going to the (fill in any random name here) Movie" LOLOL I love that analogy as it makes it (Lives detours) all so temporary and puts it in perspective as a small part of ones life.

My life has many short films or movies or Acts as I call them like in a Hollywood movie.

Act 1 Was growing up, Act 2 Was Married and having my three beautiful Children, Act 3 was my second marriage and yes that consumed my whole world and was the whole third part of the "Cheryl Movie" Act three left one on the edge of ones seat and had it all just like any great movie...It left the viewers on the edge of their seats thinking and worrying about the HEROINE "How will she ever get out of this one"

Now...:)

Act 4 is to begin! the final act in "THE CHERYL MOVIE" I can tell you that in my mind it has started this week. Starting out slow like many final acts in movies. Yes the Cheryl movie was very complicated. Its a romantic comedy! It will end with everyone smiling and laughing at the same time. Its a feel good movie with "Wow" and "AWWW" and the end will leave you breathless. Grab good seats and a gallon of popcorn with butter and get ready for a wild ride.......Love you all....

Let Them Go!

My Pastor said this last Sunday and got it from a article. It's worth sharing!

There are people who can walk away from you
LISTEN!!.. When people can walk away from you: LET THEM WALK!!

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

I'm not religious but even the bible said that, "they went away from us so that it might be made known that they were not FOR US. For had they been WITH us, no doubt they would have CONTINUED with us."

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is OVER. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. I've got the gift of good-bye. It is a GIFT, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever the universe means for me to have it will GIVE it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

And HOW do you do that...???

let them go!!

Hang On!

Today I was reading about a lady (beautiful actress) who was in love with a married athlete who was wanting and loving her and yet would not leave his wife. She found herself for six years in a tunnel of darkness and sadness. In the end she was on location in South America filming and she fell down a huge hill and found herself dangling off a cliff. She was at a cross roads in life physically and spiritually!

QUOTE: ANY DAY THAT ENDS UP WITH YOU DANGLING OFF A SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN OR HANGING BY A SLENDER PSYCHIC THREAD SHOULD PROMPT THE VERY VALID QUESTION "HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID I GET HERE"?

Sitting there in the dark on the side of this mountain waiting for rescue she made a choice to let go (Of the bad relationship)! Simply let go and it would be over. She did get rescued and she did go home and break it completely off with this lover man and she did carry on to have a successful life. I bet she cried many days and got angry or maybe not ...Only God knows and is there when we are at this point of surrender.

It takes courage to live a good life and to live the life that is meant for us! Its easy to sink to behaviors that seem to lesson the pain. Food Drink Sex (Or what ever floats your boat in easing pain) and negative emotions all may help for a season of grief but the key word is SEASON. meaning that its a short time until the next season.

For goodness sakes pick yourself up and STOP now. Its done! Dont feel guilty it may have been just what you needed to grieve. ITS OK!

If you are in the winter season of life I want to remind you that its just a season and that spring is on its way. Full of new growth and brilliant colors and warm days and beautiful sunsets.. Butterflys...:) Don't choose to stay in the winter of your life.

Have the courage to let go and see where this wonderful life takes you!

Happy Birthday / Wilderness / Thursdays!

Today is my mentors Birthday. Happy Birthday Michael! Have a wonderful Day! Thank you for all you do for me and everyone that you help. You are awesome......

Every Thursday night at 6:55 I call up a 700 number on my phone for my weekly conference call. I have been doing this for a year now and it has literary transformed and changed my life in a dramatic way. My mentor Michael does these calls for a dynamic company that sells health care.

How has this helped me? Well first off I healed from a broken marriage and divorce on these calls and my work with Michael. LISTENING TO HIM AND DOING IT. Second I lost 45 lbs last year (A total of 50) and second and most important I have learned that I actually like Cheryl. She is super duper great. I also am a positive strong independent women now and happy and have a new job and looking forward to a grand future! I am proud of myself because for the first time in my life I have not quit.

This last year has been amazing for me and not at all easy work. My mentor along with Gods guidance has had me in a place of "Wilderness" and many of us are sent there at least one time in our lives. I was reading today that when we are sent in our wilderness its divine detour to bring us home to ourselves after a lifetime of running away! Powerful.....We can cry and yell and get mad in the wilderness yet no one hears us except the ones who sent us there. That is good. Its necessary! The wilderness is tough love and we were sent here for a special destiny and for one reason and one reason only "WOMEN FIND THYSELF" I learned to be happy and positive in my wilderness. I am still in my wilderness and can see im about to leave here soon! I will miss it and can create mini wildernesses in my life from now on to self reflect!

I want to highlight some of Thursday nights quotes from Michael on here to let you know what I learn that is so valuable:

The best way to predict your future is to create it
Be disciplined and self controlled at all times
Stay in the "positive zone" all day long.
Wake up happy and positive
Next December where will I be? In a good place or right here where I am not moving?
Be positive about my future
Eat marshmallows often
I have a choice and its up to me
Use the 1% rule (fighter jets can not even be 1% off or they crash, I can not be 1% off or I crash)
Have a vision of your future..see it
I am a strong brave responsible lady
My job is to say NO to negative thoughts and actions.
I will not settle for less then great
Remove the word CANT
Get over it!!!
Life is good
There is joy in this life
Do not ever stop
Rid yourself of naysayers
When you go negative "STOP IT NOW"
I have the power to impact my outcome
I have seen my future and it is good
Go get um!

The Dream

I put a picture of Mary Magdalen on this post because she is my saint and she choose me when I was baptized in 2004 and she guides me in life and she is a huge part of my life!

Last night I had a dream. It was not just any dream but one of those dreams that wake you up with a smile and feeling like you just witnessed something huge and profound! I woke up and am still in complete shock. I wrestled in my brain about the need to post it here and not in my private journal and yet I want to share it because its that huge.

At 4 A.M. I looked at my phone to see the time. Isn't it funny how I have a old fashioned clock radio next to my bed and I never have the correct time on that thing as i keep unplugging it. This my dear friends is called women spider webbing :) Its when women tell a story and branch off like a spider web does...OK back to the story. I seen that she (friend) called and called her back and she need a friend and i was blessed to be there for her. I then fell back into a very deep sleep.

That is when the magic happened. I believe God woke me up for all this..... (I can hear my friend Ashely and son for that matter laughing at my mystical emo brain right now) OK....So, Off to innocent dream land I went and I slept for about two and a half hours.

The Dream: This is HUGE....

I dreamed that I was standing facing someone (at this time I choose not to reveal that person) and he was looking into my eyes the way he does with so much love that its impossible to describe. He reached down and kissed my forehead very lovingly and protective and I smiled and looked up in his eyes and kissed him. In the lips very soft and gentle. It he then put his arms around me and responded and took over the kiss....:) Then we stopped....and I looked in his eyes and they said "This is it".....:) My hands distintavly went up to his face and I held them there touching his face and looking into his eyes. We did not speak any words much the same way we do now. We do not need words....and never will.

I then woke up with a feeling of calm and peace

Isnt that grand to wake up in the most perfect moment? I woke up and I rememberd the dream with clairity of it really happening. I never do that in dreams or hardly never. I have had a few like that in my life. I felt a feeling of love and protection.

God uses dreams to teach and show us things. When I went through a very hard time years ago and ran away to another country God used dreams before I went to tell me NOT TO GO...and TURN BACK and WARNING....I remember those dreams....and many times he uses dreams to tell me to keep going ...Move foreward and BRAVO Cheryl...This is such a good dream of what my future will hold. And it will be FANTASTIC.

Now the emo part...:) ah......................wow............Im stary eyed.....Will this come to pass? YEP O......When? Don't know is not my timing and thank goodness I dont have to stress on it.

Am I happy...YES!

Ok.....More will be revealed.........

Hahaha....None of you will know who is this? Its my secret and my mountain mans (Mountain man is a name I use for the man that is my soul mate and partner and will come collect me some day.

Music & Cheese!

I am in a odd sort of mood today. Not a bad mood and not a excited mood either. Just a mood of reflection and peace. Its snowing today and very dark and quiet outside. I am home in my little room job hunting and listening to music and just having a quiet day. I noticed this weekend a few new things about me. One being that I can enjoy all things British again. Music and cheese and people! I started going to a new church and today the music leader was British and talked about how he just got home from the UK! Last year that would have made me feel sad and I would not have gone back to that church. (I just divorced a man who was British) Today I smiled and loved his singing! and thought just now 'Wow, you are healing"!!

For some reason that still comes to a shock to me at I can and did heal! After three years I never thought that possible for me. I thought i was just going to be sad forever and never listen to Eric Clapton again! Actually I loved Erik Clapton and the Beatles before I met my ex husband.

What I'm trying to say is that I am not associating things that I love with my past relationship and that is just amazing. I am taking what I like and leave what did not serve me well into my future.

If I can help anyone reading this that is I have met alot of single people who have divorced and all told me that you do heal and will smile again and believe me I was a total skeptic! I would smile all the while thinking "Yea right" Well..YEA RIGHT...They were correct.

There is life after DIVORCE!..

Create Yourself In 2011!!!

Last night I was on a Conference call with my mentor and he said something interesting. I always say this year that I am "Finding Myself"! and yes that seemed correct as I am changing alot and yet it never felt right when I would set down and think it all out. Finding what? Was I lost? Where was I? Where do I start to look? and on and on.

Last night he said its not about finding ones self! Its all about "CREATING YOURSELF" and because im a artist that hit home for me as last January I was somewhat a blank slate and I began to create Cheryl using some of the old parts. When I first met Michael he said I was like a race car that was messed up and needed a rebuild! Did I mention that I have the best mentor in the world?

How have I worked on this creation called Cheryl last year? I have done so much. First I changed the way I talked and stopped being negative and then I found some great friends! I started working on the spiritual side of myself and then I started being very healthy. I eat only organic and am wheat, white flour and white sugar free, limited dairy. Very limited meat and cheese. I have not had fast food sense February of last year! No ice cream or candy or chips or anything bad. No alcohol in over a year. No pain killers like aspirin etc. No meds at all in a year. I take vitamins and supplements! I started working out and lifting weights and walking and jogging and then joined the YMCA. My new goal is to join a dance class of sometime once I get a job and know my hours of work.

I picked a mentor who I trusted and who I actually listen to. Do I like the things he asks me / and others to do? Some of them I love and some take discipline to do them. Its not hard stuff and I just make it hard! Like he wans us to drink water first thing in the A.M. when we wake up and to eat some fruit or veggies. I wake up with a "water":(.....serious and I do it because I know its good for me and I feel so much better drinking more water. Then he me drinking water all day long. Its a choice weather I do it and the consequences of not drinking water are that my skin feels dry and I stop loosing weight and feel awful.

This is 2011! Lets all of us go out and Create a different and new person. Take some of the old and leave the rest in 2010! Carolyn says "DONT BE SORRY BE DIFFERENT" I love that! and Michael says "JUST DO IT" and "KEEP GOING"...

Keep going.....and going!

Im excited about 2011 and had a awesome 2010!

PS. Happy New Year!

Happy Place

Its been a while sense I wrote on this blog. I am laid off work and in what I call a major life "in the mean time" I have not clue what that means yet have been saying it for years.

One word I do not say is but...as in "I like you but....." Yet..:) I use Yet now and my Mentor says its a light form of but...I think I may rid myself of "yet" soon as well.

Back to the "mean time" I am laid off work and running out of money fast and single and I am happy. I wake up smiling and wake up happy and just trust that I am just where I am to be right at this time and am enjoying the moment. How many women my age get to rent a room somewhere and find them selves? No one I know.

I spend all my time job hunting and yesterday I stepped outside the box. I woke up happy and then started thinking "What if's" for about five minutes! "What if i do not get a job and can not pay rent" etc. I stopped what I was doing and headed off to the mall / womens center. Hey.....Its NOT my fault that the womens center where they have job leads and interview clothing for displaced women is at the MALL :) After I visited the womens center I tried on pants and to my delight I am now a size 8! I kid you not! I tried on 3 different pairs of pants to make sure I was a true 8 and I am. Now, what does that have to do with anything? Alot. I stepped outside the job hunt box a bit to bring joy to my life by trying on pants! Then I went out in the mall and listened to the beautiful Christmas music playing and made a mental note of the stores so I can go online and apply today, See I was job hunting while I was finding my joy yesterday. Finding joy each day is a must as I do not use bad behaviors like eating to find joy.

I then went and stood in a small line and visited Santa. I did! I sat on his lap and got my picture taken with a few friends two years ago and I actually lived in his house. He and his beautiful wife own a home and rent out rooms to women that need help and are displaced. I lived there a few months and am grateful to him and he is Santa each year in the mall. He loves life and loves to give and he is a true real Santa. So i went to see him to tell him and how him how great I am doing and he just smiled a huge smile. He loves when his girls do well.....He is cute and calls his wife his "Blonde Bomb Shell" ...priceless.

OK after I went to see Santa i left the mall and went down town to a art gallery. My friend Allanah and I became friends with her after we trespassed in her back yard. I had a chat with her and she told me about a natural foods store that is hiring and said she will be on he look out for me. My mentor told me to network and he is so correct! setting on a computer just sending out resumes will not totally cut it in this economy and for the jobs I am applying for and my hearts desire is to work at a natural foods store and that will take networking of some kind.

Where am I going with all this? I had the choice to set in my dark room and apply online for jobs all day long or get my butt up and go out and do something different and to find JOY in all you do. That mall / art gallery trip changed my whole day and outlook on life!

We all have different things that transform our moods or attitudes. Mine is being around positive people.......What works for one person does not work for another. I have friends who get happy and transformed watching tv and that does not work for me. Find your own happy place and force yourself to get off your butt and go there and stay there until you are singing zippidy doo dah!

Green Eyed Christmas Monster Cheryl

OK I'm going to get real here, not that I do not get real when I write its just that I choose to write only when im positive and inspired which is most days! I also can not help all women if I am not honest about my day where I am just in a wonky mood.

The last few days I have been in a place of great fantasy. I am in "Green Eyed Monster Mode" :) I made that up! And it fits me pretty well at the moment.

I am in the mood to make a face / stick out my tongue or just just roll my eyes at all the women in my life or even those I dont know who are home / key word is "home" decoration their homes / shopping for Christmas/ watching their husbands smile as he is hanging up the Christmas lights out in the snow! Their grown daughters are calling them off the hook "Mom, Lets go to the mall today to finish up shopping and then we can go see a Christmas play" ......."No, girls lets back cookies and your dad will want to help and I will call your brother to bring eggnog" :) Silly....

Get my point? .............and so silly and I can swear to you that I did not make up the above fantasies in my head. How silly. I guess this season with me being back to me is the hardest one of all. Yes, when i was in poor Cheryl was abandoned mode and poor Cheryl is just not sure where her life was going mode. All was just ok. I was just in limbo and just surviving and to not have anything was ok. Now, I am back to Cheryl who had a home and family and a couch and chairs and even a oven mode and its not acceptable for me to be where I am at! Yet, I have to remember that like a person that has survived a bad illness or accident you have to get up and start moving and before you know it you will be back to full speed. it just takes time.......

Some of my fantasies can be real but most likely Dad is yelling from the roof "*&^%$#*" "I JUST SMASHED MY THUMB, I TOLD YOU XMAS LIGHTS ARE A BAD IDEA" "Mom.....I hate shopping are u nuts the mall is packed" "Mom, i hate eggnog and im off to a Christmas party call you tomorrow" :) Serious....Both are exaggerations but real life is neither....or a bit of both. We as women have got to stop fantasizing about what we want our life to look like when God has us right where we are meant to be at this very moment. When I talk to some of my married friends they say to me "Enjoy this time for just you" and I have got to not get in Green Eyed Monster mode.

Carolyn said yesterday that my future is like a cake :) Carolyn and Michael use analogies on me as I respond to them and love them. They crack me up with what they think of.....Im like a House and a car and now my whole life is a cake! She said that its in the oven baking and if i take it out now it will not be done and will be raw and awful and will fall in the middle! And worse and what I have been trying to do is to TURN UP THE HEAT to make that cake cook FASTER! and what will happen. It will burn. Now every time I turn it up to 500 degrees Carolyn and Michael turn it back down to 350. Thank Goodness for them in my life. The other thing is that I do not want a fake desperate cake from the store. It would be a easy cake to go get. Its artificial and fake and not the real deal and not what I have been waiting for! So........What am I do Do?????

I am to Wait on God! wow....what a concept. I have never waited for "cake" before. :) I am excited to see what my life is going to be like?

For now I just keep being Cheryl and as Michael says "HAVE FUN"....and he always types it in caps. He does not say much on instant message." Have fun, be strong and brave...keep going...your doing excellent" Carolyn says "You are right where you are meant to be and your future will be great" I LOVE YOU TWO!

And Fun is what I am planning to do for the whole of 2011......

And If God Willing....

Eat Cake....yum!

Sophie Behrs

Its been awhile sense I have been to my journal. I write in a paper notebook from time to time yet I love this blog. My desire is for women in their first years of being along for the first time to stumble onto this and get blessed by it.

Today I was reading about a lady "Sophie Behrs" In 1862 she married what they termed the catch of the season "Count Leo Tolstoy" and they had 13 children! She was a wife and mom and they both had a passion for writing. She decided that their marriage was going to be a creative partnership of equals! She was way past her time in knowing what would work. She was her husbands assistant, editor, copywriter and tactful critic. Wow.....Again im reminded this was 1862.

Once the children arrived she could not keep up with it all and back in the 1800's she could not get "day care" and it was expected of her to take care of the children. Her husband right at this time had what he thought was a "good idea" He thought they could write in journals and keep them around for each other to read! Bad Idea and I know this because I read some of her journal this morning and it was a pathetic warship of her husband. NOT love.....not respect.

In my readings today were some of her journal entries. They were pathetic and sad and the only place she thought she could go. In victim mode. The journal praised her husband over and over and it was nauseating to read even for me who has been in such a situation with a past marriage! She wrote on page after page of how miserable she was and how lucky her husband was to have a writing profession and on and on. He took on another assistant at this time and it about destroyed her self esteem.

Ok.......that was 1800!!! But girlies how many of us are just like Sophie in 2010? Alot....and there is no excuse as we have books and ministers and great women leaders who are our sisters there to help. We have Oprah :) Yes, if you are married its a must to be a supportive devoted wife yet there is NO excuse to loose yourself completely in a man even if you call him husband! You will loose all respect for yourself and so will he. This is not being a submissive wife or any other kind of good wife. Its being freaky! How do you balance it? I was Sophie to a T! and it was 2005!

How do you do it? For one you loose yourself slowly. Every time you compromise! "its ok honey I will quit my dance class as you want to watch american idle with me each day" "Its ok, you took me out to eat and i will eat it all so you wont get mad" "Its ok...I wont read my books anymore as you hate me to read" "its ok I wont go to lunch with my best friend as its not fair that you dont have a friend to do things with" "Honey, ok i understand that all men watch porn, i will try to understand" .....:) Get my point? Yes, some of the above can be worked out and some of them can not. Its like the frog in a pot of cold water that slowly starts to boil. Before he knows it he is boiled and gone! Without feeling a thing.

I do not pretend to know the answer of how to be a good wife or partner without completely loosing yourself as I am single now. I do know that I love being Cheryl and I wont loose her again and will only be with a man who loves her just as she is. I know there is balance and you do change a bit with a relationship. You take on new ideas that you learn from your partner and he takes things from you. The key here must be balance! Im going to master this one! I promise you all!