FaLL

Today is the first day of fall in Cheryl's own private world. Not really the first day of fall by the calender yet its feeling "fallish" I LOVE autumn and everything about it and always have done. Mind you spring is close second. I love all the seasons and am so grateful that God made the seasons on the earth and in our life. When one ends you can be sure the next season is right there waiting. My blog is called "The summer that changed my life" I did not make that up :) Yet, it applies. I may have to change it to "The Autumn that changed my life". Then winter and so on because we are always changing for the better!

I love how in the start of autumn that the air seems to change over night (like this morning) and the morning air starts to feel a crisp cold in anticipation of winter. The change of color is brilliant. Rich browns and oranges and yellow and magnificent deep reds. I love the images of pumpkins and harvest! Pumpkin and apple pie and hey rides and harvest. A time to remember the bounty that God provides us each day. To put away for winter and prepare!

Did I mention that I love Autumn? :)

Now wait until OCTOBER hits. That is my favorite month of all time!

Blue Eyes

A few weeks ago I was taking my walk after dinner and a beautiful dog came running around me. Not up to me but around me and back and forth. He had magical blue eyes! I kept waking and assumed he stayed at his house. I was walking about 10 more minutes and came to this house with alot of dogs in the back yard and as I walked by the fence the dogs started barking and jumping the fence the beautiful blue eye dog came running around me first and then to the fence. He was clearly protecting me! I was in awe of this and felt so close to God at that moment. I forgot about until this A.M.

I was sitting here reading my devotional book and my room mate had her dog Bo on his leash and was about to go out for their morning walk. I heard her scream! and yell....and i ran out to the front of the house and she said "Cheryl, There is a German shepherd out there" and I was amazed that a dog would be sitting on the porch. It startled her because she almost let Bo out the door and Bo is a Pit Bull. A sweet pit bull mind you but never the less a pit bull!

I went to look out the window and it was blue eyes! Oh My Gosh......From God. My protector! I know all this seems so silly but its true. My room mate tried to shoo him away and I said "he is my protector" she just went out back and left that way and im sure she must be thinking her room mate has finally cracked up!

This is "The Summer That Changed My Life"

Gratitude.....

This morning I woke up with a tear falling down my face. What a way to wake up! Yet, it was not sadness or anger or confusion. It was a deep gratitude that hit me right in the heart as soon as I opened my eyes. Out of the blue...unexpected.

I have been sitting here for 30 minutes thinking about what to write in my Cheryl journal and for the life of me I could not get this emotion down on paper, yet I want to share it. The day I started this journey last January I simply had tears running down my face and I looked up at my mentor, with my sisters all around me and one with her arms around me and said "I don't have words" That is not something Cheryl says! I always have words! Yet, its was true and many times on my journey I lack words and that is ok and that is perfect and excellent as there does not always have to be words when the emotion is that deep and even when its something emotionless and drama free or simple I have learned that its ok to be silent. To reflect and as a friend of mine tells me "Dramatic Pause"

I am grateful this morning and blown away once again by the blessings I have and by those that bless me and most of all by God who never fails me.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."
-Melody Beattie

I am doing well and in a place of change right now. I have been in a place of change for years now and sometimes it is slow changes and sometimes its huge changes that come all at once..Hence..I am moving house today. A grand adventure! I have been listening to Zig Ziglar alot lately as well as listening to conference calls that my mentor hosts. They are so inspiring to me and keep me going. I found the below poem today and wanted to share it....More to come!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

My Dream

I just woke up and finished reading my morning book "Simple Abundance" and having a cup of coffee. I am in in a mellow mood and still thinking about my dream this morning. It was just before I woke up and some may call it a nightmare and it was a bit powerful but I would not call it a nightmare at all.

My dream was that I was with a person on the side of a swimming pool. I remember the water was a brilliant blue and beautiful and the person near me was a person that I feel save with. I do now know who that was right now as I type this. I do not know if they were male or female etc. Just that they were full of love and they were for me in life. Maybe this person or figure at the side of the pool was God. Or one of my angels here on earth.

At some point while standing at the side of the pool I fell in the water and I went down to the bottom of the pool. I was not afraid in falling because I knew in the past that I could just swim right back up on my own power.

I could feel the hard surface and had hit the bottom of the pool. I then was afraid and tried to swim to the top and could not even manage to go a inch. I then panicked and was afraid. That part lasted a few seconds and my thought was that the friend at the top would be sad and could not even come rescue me because they did not know I was not able to get up to the top on my own.

I then took a deep breath of surrender and took in a huge amount of water and felt nothing but peace and relaxation. It was beautiful and somehow very good and then I woke up.

I never can usually remember my dreams but rememberd this one very clearly and in color which is strange to me and yet was not disturbing and I smiled when I woke up. I thought "wow" how awesome for God to give me a surrender dream that was so peaceful and beautiful and just right for my life today as I have gone a bit further down the road of surrender last night. I let go of the need to control my life and made a choice to let God take over and it was beautuful and effertless and beautiful.

Now. In no way does that dream mean I'm going to die or think my time on earth is done. It just represents to me total surrender and while I am not there yet I can see that God is telling me that it will be peaceful and good.

I have come a long way because a few months ago I would have seen this as a nightmare that would have scared or disturbed me. Now I see it as a beautiful conframatoin from God that all I am doing here in Colorado is good and from him. I am blessed.....I am grateful.

Knight And Day

I went to see the new movie "Knight And Day" with Tom Cruz and Cameron Diaz yesterday. While the movie was not an academy award movie it was cute and my only gripe was that the car chases were a bit silly but other then that I liked it as it hit home with me on so many levels.

The character played by Cameron Diaz was a very smart and capable lady who was very much a sheltered person who had a air head / blond quality about her. She was put in a situation where she had to listen and depend on her captor to live and to move froward and in the beginning had no clue what was going on except that she trusted that if she followed she would be ok in the end. She did not do this perfect and ran the opposite way and did her own thing out of panic and fear more then a a few times and every time the result lead to disaster. (See how I can relate here) and She did this with blond charm. And if you must live life then do it with charm......

Cute move...Thought provoking. In the end she used her brain and strength to save the day.

I had a very challenging ......OK I will call it what it was "HARD AS HELL" few days and guess what? I got through it without chocolate and a few tears but the key phrase here was that I did get through it.

I let myself go into a drama filled place full of people who disregard me as a human. Period. Key word here is "I" as in I let myself go there knowing the outcome and consequences yet there I go......Into the pit of darkness and then I call up "people" and say "HELP"...

My helper in life showed me how to stay out of the darkness and what it feels like to be in the light or with sane good positive people. and for Cheryl today it no longer feels right to be with anyone or anything that is bad. Yes, we use words like bad. Call it what it is......

Now, the hard part of my work is that I want to help the people who are in the pit. The pit is what I use to describe a place of negative in our life and people who are constantly in their own private pits. I do not mean life challenges like disease or death, that is NOT in a pit. I mean unnecessary drama and sin of all kinds. Negative thoughts or behavior and false fear.

Good Stuff :)

Weight: I am doing well on my eating plan or I call it a life plan. I was feeling very tired and awful last week and on the weekend I bought some spinach to make a spinach salad and in a few days I started feeling better. Food is fuel! What a concept. If we put high grade fuel in our bodies and keep the fluids up then it runs wonderfully.

Finances: All good here. I have to get my car transmission replaced this week and am grateful I had just the correct amount in savings. God is good......

New Blog Name

The last two week I have found myself gong off track a abit and while i was not a runaway train I did have to get back on track. The first thing that I did was start questioning my church yet not my faith. What I discovered is that God is not there to entertain me and for me to expect this is wrong. I love my faith and when I try to change that I get all miserable. Yes, I would love to attend a church full of people and fun and etc but I can find that elsewhere and not change my religion doing it.

The second thing is that I go a bit off the rails with my food / diet. I am not on a diet and started thinking along those lines. I eat for life. I eat normal but small meals and I have things i need to not eat often and I have rules like I am not to eat a nude carb :) Sounds all shady! A nude carb is a carb alone and not mixed with a protein. I ate m and m's peanut for dinner and decided that was a carb / protein combo and my nutritionist decided that was not the case. He stressed last week that I need even more protein and more exercise with weight lifting and to NOT change the plan to suit me and NO substitutions. ok Back on track with the food thing.

The budget it good. My car broke down and the bill will be 1000 next week and I can pay for it! Again......The budget it good.

Now the hard part. My attitude sucked last week. Badly. I was disrespectful to a person helping me and more important I was disrespectful to myself. I was negative and sled right into victim mode. Hence........the new title of my blog "PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND DEAL WITH IT".......Which is the last thing my mentor in life said to me before he hung up last week! ICK......Now i have a choice don't I? I can hear a "Excellent".....Or ......My choice. I choose "excellent".

Now the fun part. I got in my creative mode last night and cooked. I made Chicken cacciacorte and my three room mates and myself had a girl friend time. Girls are good! Women are important to me and vital :) But....I need the men in my life to say "Deal With It"......Ballance.

Sleep

Sleep.......I have been sleeping very well the last few weeks. Its amazing! I can not believe it when I wake up five or six hours after I drift off to sleep. I look at my clock in amazement. I use to wake up every hour our two. Healthy lifestyle is no longer optional for me anymore. My helpers in life have me doing a few things which I account for my great sleep. One being I have a snack before bed and the other thing is that I take my Coral Calcium also before bed! We sell it here at Functional Medicine Specialists. The other thing is that I do not go on my computer after 7:30 at night which can be too stressing. I light a candle and listen to music or read. When I do put on the tv on work nights and that is very seldom, I watch only very light weight shows that are fun. Last but not least is that I walk 30 minutes after dinner. IT is a light weight wonderful walk to clear my mind. Healthy living is good and sleep is wonderful and they say that you will not loose weight as well if you do not sleep.

Love you all at FMS!! Yes, I work here and I am a patient. I am double blessed!!!

All which yields, is not weak...~Phèdre nó Delaunay

Today I woke up with a lot of "stuff" in my head and have been reading and writing and feel better. I have this need to know everything and to control everyone and when I let go I am at peace..

BURNING AWAY THE BAD

I am doing alot of hard work right now. Yesterday, was the great work of controling my emotions and not letting them go mad! I had a block of about fifteen minutes at work where I just let it go.....not a good thing. I was not on the phone but i let the after feelings linger the whole day. My boss must have heard me because he called me from upstairs and asked if i was ok and I said yes that i was just having a bit of a temper with my computer and he came down and put on the heater and I felt that people care to stop me in my tracks.

I am much better today.Are my feelings the same? YOU BET. Its how I handle them is the key to my work the next few months. I feel anger and sadness and I do not always like my teachers help / work. Work is what it is...work. Working on ones self for improvements is not easy. My mentor said its like searing with fire and then polishing. I am in the searing with fire part :) and that is the temper yesterday. I remember a few good lines and am reminded of them. Nothing changes...nothing changes. I am about change. My attitude is good right now. I am blessed beyond what anyone can imagine

Safari

Spring is here in Colorado Springs. My life oddly is going with the flow of the seasons. I was in the winter of my life the last few years. Cold, dark, gloomy yet mysterious and unknown.

The last few months i have now been in the spring of my life. Full of color and new growth and crisp and clean and sunny and like Colorado Springs little bits of winter can still creep in. In Colorado we can have snow in Spring and cold days and then the next day is sunny and nice.

I read a book each and every morning "Simple Abundance, A Day Book Of Comfort and Joy" By Sarah Ban Breathnach. The book is a journey of becoming your self, your real self...Your authentic I had no clue who Cheryl was! Serious. I was a wife who wanted to please at all costs and am a Mom and a daughter and a sister and a friend......Yes, those things are the best part of me and yet the last few years I became lost.

I am today on a safari :) The word safari means journey and many times people safari in the dry season of summer or for me in the dry periods of life in isolation or in the dessert of my life.

Have a great day everyone!

Let Your Self Go.....

"It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can
get yourself back."

Mick Jagger

It's sunny and beautiful here in Colorado this A.M. I am at peace and just relaxing and playing and reading. How blessed I am to have this morning all to myself in a warm house full of good ladies.

I have lost 20 lbs sense last November. I am changing my diet a bit to lower the carbs I eat and add more healthy oil. I have been eating 1 T of butter mixed with canola oil and 1 T of EV olive oil but my skin seems dry lately so im going to add more oil and less carbs for a few weeks. I want to loose 10 more lbs by June 1.

I am still working with a life coach and a nutritionist. My nutritionist is also my boss at work so it makes it nice. We are putting exercise equipment at work in the back office next week so that we all can exercise on our breaks! Again. I am blessed beyond what I could have imagined in a job.

That is all but wow. Its alot!!

God Bless You All

Faith

Today I wake up alone in a very cold Colorado and still not knowing everything about my life here in Colorado. Yet, I am at more peace then I have ever been in a long time. I know that there are a huge network of people in the back ground helping me. I do not know who they are but know what they stand for and for that I love all of them, even the ones that are hard on me and there have been many. I thank them. I am on a journey that is both daunting and exciting and I know I have the support of my family.

I know that I will be ok. I have to keep positive and keep watchful. Keep my brain on at all times and think before I speak or just stay silent. That is all I need to do today. Not easy all the time for cheryl :) More to come. Does anyone read this?

Not A Clue

This last fall I was watching the movie "Silence of the Lambs" with a few people. Their is this one scene where a FBI detective, played by Jodie Foster is in a dark scary house looking for a lady who is held hostage. The lady is in a deep dark hole dug in the ground in the house and the phychopath killer is hiding out ready to pounce. Scary ....

The girl in the hole is scared and its dark and she has been in this hole for a long time and she sees no hope. She has no answers as to why she is there and she is freaking out. The FBI agent stumbles upon the hole and looks down to see a dirty and very frightened girl and says "Miss, I am a FBI agent and I will get you out of there but you have to wait" she says "Bitch, don't leave me here".

The lady I was watching this movie with turned to me and said "Wow, she called her and bitch and the FBI agent is going to help/save her".

I said or I am not sure I said it or thought it but "The girl simply does not know who the FBI agent is or that she is there to help her and not kill her or be a part of the hurt" ....

Wow, life changing for me. That night I got to thinking that many came in my life and I shouted and cried and all along people were there to help.

Am I ashamed? or guilty? NO.....That is where I was in my process at the time and like the young girl in the dark hole I simply was very afraid and just where i needed to be at the time so that on a day like today I could reflect on that scene and learn from it.

Journey

I am on a journey and while I know some of what I am to do I am in the dark on most of what is going on. That is where my faith in God comes in. I just take each step as they are given me and know that everyone that comes in my

HONESTY WITH MYSELF

Honesty with my self and others starts with knowing Cheryl.

These are my real thoughts and feelings and likes and dislikes:

I dislike thrift stores. Everyone tells me to go and find clothes and I hate them and always have hated them. Its not that i want to spend money. I am just not a person that would love to go buy six pairs of thirft clothes vs one pair of pants that I love and that I picked out and that no one has worn. I worked hard the last few weeks and I am going to buy a new pair of jeans that fit me and that I choose.

My mom use to love the thrift stores and that is ok but that is my mom and that is Betty and that is alot of people but its not Cheryl. I need to stop trying to be what others want me to be. I need to be me! and im ok and not being a bad person to not like thrift stores. I love the books in thrift stores and that is it.

Now to think of what else I compromise on and lie to everyone and even myself about? For today or for this moment this is enough for me. Now....Do I tell people this? Will I seem bosy? or will I hurt thier feelings? No, honesty is ok as we are all different and if they want to be around me then i cant walk on egg shells.....Thats all ...shower time.

28 January

I Cheryl am happy and I am eating well and exercising both my mind and body. This will manafest into both a healthy mind, body and spirit. I am confadant that I will reach my goals with positive thinking and hard work and all with the help of my higher power and God.

Todays goals:
Stay on target with my eating
Watch and use each word that comes out of my mouth

BecomingAware

A long journey starts with the first few steps.

I went to church yesterday and it was very nice to set and warship God and give him thanks for not giving up on Cheryl. I had a nice restful afternoon and then went to alanon.

Alanon gives me encouragement to know that I can accomplish what I need to do in life and I CAN have my life just the way I want it if I work the program and use the tools given me the last few years.

God has me in a place where I have alot of work to do and and it is not always going to be easy. A big thing that came out of alanon last night was that I have to teach people in life how to treat me. I can not just compromise anymore and keep the peace at all costs. Doing that leads me to disparate acts to hide my feelings of resentment and fear and I WILL NOT let that happen ever again. I also have to treat people as I would like to be treated.

Have a great day.

I feel that today I am to write in my blog but have no idea what to write. I am sitting here at seven A.M. totally confused but in total peace. I have no idea why I'm here in Colorado or what brought me here. I just know who brought me here and for that I have peace. I am a bit afraid and a bit confused and a bit excited and a bit happy and a very little bit sad and a bit anxious and a bit peaceful.

I am thinking that for the last four years i have not been nuts and making up things that have happened to me odd and then again I question this. I know that there are others out there in Colorado and California and the whole USA rooting for me and I feel so blessed by that and in awe and humbled. Who are they? Why? Why do they care about me who has been a two year mess?

Who are all of you? And why is there so many of you? Who is a part of you? Darlene? Betty? Carolyn? Danette and the girls? I could go on. Kim? Hope so as i miss you. Val? Margarete? and my sweet Heather? and all the other beautiful girls that touched my life. My work mates? Jennifer? George? Jeannie and Brock and little gizmo? :) and that terror in Lizas place :) ....lol Gosh you scared me....

I don't make sense. I don't understand.

I can only listen to Carolyn now. "All will be revealed" "You dont need to know the answers right now" "when the time is right".....

I am on a path and journey today. I am not alone but have total control over my path. I can choose to go back to Calif and live or I can choose to stay and find Cheryl and find what God wants for me. I choose to find Cheryl today. I choose to find that mom and wife and girlfriend and daughter and sister and auntie.